Well, I had a post typed out about our very first Matco Tool
Expo to Las Vegas,
but then I read it and it sounded rather depressing. And, I wasn’t entirely
sure if I was ready to share what I had written with other people. So, I typed
it up, and it sat, unpublished, in my list of blog posts. I reread it a couple
times and decided that is where it will stay.
I decided to take a more positive approach on it and post
this one instead.
When Steve got out of the military, I wasn’t ready for it. I
didn’t want it to happen, and I can’t really explain why. I’m sure people think
I’m absolutely crazy for not being completely overjoyed that my husband will
not have to go into a warzone, and that I will never have to be separated from
him for 7 months while he’s there again. But there’s more to it than that. And
after him being done with the Marine Corps for over a year now, I’m still not
ready for it. I’m still not adjusting. I’m still not sure that right here,
right now, is where I am supposed to be. But, chances are, if you have been
reading my blog, you already gathered that from past blog posts.
When I got home, I had been talking to my sister-in-law
(also a Marine wife), I don’t remember exactly how the conversation went, or
even how it started. But I do know, that she, too, apparently had some
apprehensions about leaving the Marine Corps behind, and I remember her saying
that there was something that happened a few months after the start of their
civilian life that reassured her that they were right where they needed to be.
I have no idea what that “defining moment” was for her, nor do I need to know.
But it gave me hope. That some day I would have a “moment” that would help me
realize that leaving the Marine Corps behind wasn’t as scary or as difficult as
I had made it to be.
I think I’m still waiting for that moment, although the desire
to be back in the military lifestyle is getting less and less prominent.
That being said, for a lot of the Tool Expo in Las Vegas, I felt the
very same way. Like I wasn’t where I was supposed to be. I felt very out of
place due to various reasons that were completely out of control, but, there
was one moment. A moment where I finally felt like I was right where I was
supposed to be, when I was supposed to be there. A moment where someone said
something to me that reassured me that I was doing what I should be doing in
that moment. A moment that made me feel whole, and made me feel good about
myself. I hadn’t had a moment like that in a long time. And it was nice to have
a little reassurance that I am on the right path.
Now, I’m no dummy. I know that if Steve was still in the
Marine Corps, he wouldn’t be selling Matco tools, and we wouldn’t be at the
Matco Tool Expo in Vegas where I had that “moment”. But is it my “defining
moment” that is going to convince me that I am where I need to be, and that I
can finally let go of the Marine Corps and never look back? I don’t think so.
Unfortunately. But at least it’s a start.
