Lessons

I originally wrote this post about 2¹/₂  months ago, but it never actually made it to my blog, although I really wanted it to. Since then, some of it has been rendered irrelevant and “outdated”, so, here goes version 2.0.

I have been job searching – which stinks – and I haven’t found anything yet. I have applied for some. Some that I would really like doing, but the verdict is still out on them. And lately, there hasn’t been much more to apply for. I am hoping that one of the “outstanding ones” pulls through, or some others come up soon so I can at least feel like I am ACTIVELY searching and not just sitting around.

That being said, I am beginning to reconsider some things. I am not sure why God decided that the job I was working wasn’t the job for me, but He did. And luckily, I have found many positive things that have happened because of it.

I have been able to spent some time with my niece and nephews. One of my nephews, I was able to watch for 4 days – and he is the one that I see the least out of my 3 nephews and 1 (now 2) nieces. It was nice to be able to hang out with him and do activities with him. He is 4 and I think that is such a fun age because you can actually DO things with them that younger kids aren’t old enough to do, and older kids aren’t interested in doing.

I was also able to spend some extra time with my twin niece and nephew while awaiting the arrival of their new sibling (a sister), and after the arrival of their sister. I was happy that I was able to help out my sisters-in-law and spend time with my nieces and nephews all at the same time!

Another positive thing that has come out of this is that I was able to help with my cousin’s benefit more than I ever would have been able to if I was working 40 hours a week. When I was still working, I purchased a pattern for a cross-stitching that I wanted to complete and donate for the silent auction part of the benefit. I purchased it with less than 2 months to finish it. I knew that in order to finish it, I might have to pull some overnighters, maybe sacrifice some summer fun, or risk being viewed as anti-social by bringing it to family events and working on it there. But the image on the cross-stitching was just too beautiful and too “fitting” for the circumstance to not do it. So, I was willing to take on no-sleep, no-fun, and being anti-social. However, since I wasn’t working, I was able to work on it at a semi-leisurely pace and finish in enough time that I could get it custom framed. After it was finished, I realize that I would have gotten SIGNIFICANTLY less sleep than I had planned if I was ever going to finish it and work at the same time. I was also able to help with fundraising, advertising, and putting on the benefit. What a wonderful thing to be able to participate in!

The cross-stitching I donated for the benefit, titled "In His Hands".

My most recent positive about not working, is that I was able to help my dad out on the family farm. I have never been interested in farming, and the closest I ever really came to “helping” was doing the occasional pig chores, and rock-picking. Earlier this week, my dad called me and asked if I would be interested in driving semi for him while he combined. I decided I would give it a shot. Shocking, I know. Most people don’t know this, but I have yet to learn how to drive a riding lawn mower because I was too terrified to learn. I also vowed that I would never get a driver’s license up until the day I actually started Driver’s Ed in high school. I have never been interested in learning to drive things. But, there I was sitting in the semi, learning how to drive the 4 miles to the grain elevator and back. I thought for sure I had that mastered and of course the semi broke down. So, before I knew it, I was being trained in on how to drive the combine, where I spent the remainder of my week.

I am glad that I was able to help my dad out. There were so many points during the last week of helping him that I have wondered “How would he have managed this, if I weren’t here?” I’m sure that he would have, because I know he has done it by himself before, but hopefully I made it a little easier by helping him out! I’m also glad I was able to learn about farming and could contribute to the harvest for once in my life. And it was also kind of cool that I was able to conquer my fear of driving new types of vehicles by learning to drive TWO new vehicles in TWO days. I’m thinking a riding lawn mower should be a breeze now!

During my time of unemployment, I have also spent some time considering self employment, until I realized that the only thing I know how to do confidently enough that I would be able to take it on myself is accounting for Matco Tools distributors. So, unless like 20-30 distributors decide to turn their accounting over to me, I wouldn’t really be able to make a living off of that! I have also considered just not working and hoping that now that we have somehow magically maneuvered our way through the pile up of expensive inventory from the Tool Expo, that the business can support us on its own. Of course, then I would feel COMPLETELY lazy, being a stay-at-home wife with no children. I know, I know – there is an “easy” solution to that – just not sure I am ready for that step yet!

Anyway, aside from precious time with my nieces and nephews and time to help someone who needs it, I feel like God has been pulling me to get into His Word more and to spent time thinking about all it has to teach me. I am still working on this. But, then again, isn’t something like that ALWAYS a work in progress? It is always teaching, always showing us new things, always helping us to realize the love of the Father and the value of ourselves through His eyes.

One of the hardest things about losing your jobs – even when it’s through no fault of your own – is the feeling that comes afterward. The feeling of worthlessness, of shame. The feeling that you did something wrong. It took one COMPLETELY tear filled church service and 2 months for me to realize that I didn’t lose my job because of something I did. I didn’t lose it because I was worthless or incapable of performing my job. I didn’t have any reason to feel ashamed. I lost it because God has a different plan for me. A better plan. And that is something I should feel proud of. That He loves me enough to take matters out of my hands, into His own, and take over completely, shaping it into something I never dreamed of. And to help me find the lessons that He is teaching me. It is like He grabbed my face – smushed my cheeks between His hands, forcing me to look at Him and said, “Hey! I’ve got this! Don’t worry! Just enjoy the ride!”

I hope that these little lessons will help me form meaningful blogposts. Whether they are just meaningful to me, or meaningful to others, as well. I want to remember lessons I’ve learned, things He’s taught me.

The Storms We Share, Part 2

I have been neglecting my blog. It has been 4 months since I have posted. There’s really no good reason, no excuse that is sufficient. Truth is, I actually had a blog post all typed out, ready to post over a month ago and I never posted it because I wanted some pictures to go along with it (pictures always hand me up when it comes to blog posting). But, I am thinking now that it is okay because I think it “fits” better after this post anyway. So, now with a heart that needs healing and a new “twist” to my old blog, I am starting to post again. And even though I have said this MANY times before, hopefully this time, it will happen regularly. I have 3 posts ready to go already and inspiration for many more!

I have recently picked up and dusted off my version of Streams in the Desert that I received as a wedding/pre-deployment gift from my mother-in-law and sister-in-law.

Upon reading the July 28^th entry, I found a whole new meaning for the title of my blog. Upon starting my blog, THIS is the explanation I gave for naming my blog what I did. And while that is still very much true, I found this passage, also very fitting.

This is the July 28^th Streams in the Desert passage:

I remember when I was a young person attending school in Mound Pleasant. One day I sat on the side of the mountain and watched a storm as it moved through the valley. The skies were filled with darkness, and thunder began to shake the earth. It seemed as though the lush landscapes were completely changed, and its beauty gone forever. But the storm passed quickly and soon moved out of the valley.

            If I had sat in the same place the following day and said, “Where is that intense storm and all its terrible darkness?” The grass would have said, “Part of it is in me.” The beautiful daisy would have said, “Part of it is in me.” And all the other flowers, fruits, and everything that grows in the ground would have said “Part of the storm has produced radiance in me.”

            Have you ever asked the Lord to make your like Him? Have you ever desired the fruit of the Spirit and prayed for sweetness, gentleness, and love? If so, then never fear the fierce storms that even now may be blowing through your life. Storms bring blessings, and rich fruit will be harvested later.

God gives us “storms” in our lives for many reasons. In the physical sense of the word “storms”, He gives them to us to remind us of His power. To remind us that nothing is out of his control and nothing is too powerful for him to handle. When we are feeling our lowest low, we can rest comfortably knowing that God is all-powerful.

In the symbolic meaning of the word “storm”, he sends them to our lives. The difficult times. The times that our outlook becomes filled with darkness, fear begins to shake our nerves, and it seems as through things are never going to improve, never get better.

But we must always remember that the end of the storm is coming. We won’t always be trapped in darkness and it won’t always seem like things couldn’t get any worse.

God gives us those storms to teach us to be more like Him. To give us the virtues we desperately need.

How would we ever learn to love and learn what love actually is without first having to endure heartbreak? How would we ever feel joy if we didn’t occasionally have to endure deep sorrow that comes with life’s trials? How would we know what peace is if we never had any reason to experience unrest and uneasiness? How would we ever learn patience if we never had to wait for anything? How would we ever recognize and appreciate God’s kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and gentleness if He never put us in situations in which He could demonstrate them for us? And how would we ever learn them for ourselves?

A “perfect world” would never be perfect because there are so many emotions we would never feel. We would never have the “bad” emotions, but if it weren’t for the bad emotions and the bad situations, or “storms”, the good ones wouldn’t be all that great.

God gives us storms to teach us to be more like Him and to give us a change to experience the true greatness of the good things in life.

And the best part of it all, is that no matter what the storm may be – a lost job, a death in the family, deployments, whatever, we never have to worry THAT much about it (as hard as that is to remember when your standing in the middle of a hurricane!) because God won’t let it get so out of control that we can’t handle it. He will push you until your breaking point to provide with the blessings he know you need and just when you think the storm is about to bring your demise, He will step in and remind you that He is all powerful. He is in control. And He is.

He displays His power in the whirlwind and the storm. The billowing clouds are the dust beneath His feet.”

Nahum 1:3

Strength in Weakness

I am trying to be a good little blogger girl and keep up with my blog and my New Year's Resolution that I have failed miserably at for the first 3¹/₂  months of the year. And I guess I am still failing...I had this one written a week ago, but am just now finishing it and posting it.

This week, I have found myself thinking about all the different ways that strength shows itself and how your true strength almost always really shows to others, when you feel like you are at your weakest.

I recently attended a storm spotter class and learned about how to identify different  parts of storms, how to  estimate the intensity of the storm, and how to determine just which direction that storm is traveling. I also discovered that I have a new found love for storms and think it would be pretty awesome to be a storm chaser (Note: the class did not encourage storm CHASING, it encouraged storm SPOTTING). Anyway, I won’t give you ALL the details because if you really wanted to know, you probably would have gone to the class yourself. Plus, I don’t think I could explain it in a way that makes sense without drawing you a picture, and since my drawing ability is limited, that probably wouldn’t help either. Anyway, here it is, in a nutshell:

Assuming that the storm is coming directly at you, (besides being in a VERY bad location), you would  first experience wind—it could be the damaging type, or just strong winds, depending on how strong the storm is. The next thing you would experience is rain and/or hail. The stronger the storm, the bigger the hail. Most of us would think that the strong winds and the rain and hail would be the “fury” of the storm. It’s the most visible, the most tangible. It almost always comes with the flashes of lightning and the booms of thunder. It seems so powerful. But we’re not done yet! After the strong winds and the rain? The calm. Again, I won’t bore you with what is REALLY happening at this point, but I will say this—if all the conditions are right, and the storm is strong enough, this “calm” is most often where tornadoes are born.

How ironic. Storms really show their strength at the point when you would think they would be the weakest. Not unlike people.

It is very rare that military wives are recognized or commended as being strong when their husbands are stateside, and working what is (more or less) a 9-5 job. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with that—they don’t do it because they want to be perceived as strong, or because they want to be commended for it. They do it because they love someone who has a desire to defend the freedoms of those he loves.

It isn’t until their husbands are deployed for an indefinite amount of time, that these women start to hear the “You’re SO STRONG” comments. But they don’t FEEL strong. They feel like the weakest person in the world. Especially during those first couple weeks after deployment. They feel weak. They feel lost. They feel like there is no way they will survive the coming months. There’s a good chance that most of them feel the weakest they have ever felt. The weakest I have ever felt was the period of time that I found out Steve was deploying to Afghanistan, and leading up to the 2-4 weeks after he left. I had to make some big decisions during that time period and never once did I feel strong. I don’t think that I felt strong again until I was dropping everything and boarding a plane to North Carolina—and that could have just been the fact that I was carrying 2¹/₂  bags of clothes and a carry-on full of books. J

I find it so strange that those moments of weakness are when their strength really shows. Those moments of feeling weak, and lost, that they somehow harness the weakness that they’re feeling and turn it into, what appears to others, as strength beyond what most people could imagine.

My cousin recently had an adorable baby boy. At less than 1 month into life, he had to have heart surgery. On the morning of the day that his heart surgery was supposed to take place, I found myself crying as I was driving to work. I don’t know if I was feeling over-emotional that day, or if my motherly instincts that you supposedly get when you reach child-bearing age finally kicked in, or what. (And no, that is not some “hidden” illusion to any big secrets). All I could think about is if I were in my cousins place, how I would feel. What I would do. How completely weak and helpless I would feel, knowing that my 3 week old baby was going to have major surgery, and all I could do was sit and wait and hope.

I wasn’t waiting in the hospital at all with my cousin while she waited out her baby’s surgery and recovery, but I could feel her strength emanating from her Caring Bridge posts, that I followed religiously. I could tell that she was handling it incredibly, and that strength, that even she probably didn’t know she had, was showing itself. Right then. Did she feel strong? I doubt it (although more power to her if she did!). I would guess that this was probably one of her weakest moments. And yet, once again, strength beyond what most people could imagine was showing itself.

Not to mention her 3 week old little boy—at arguably his weakest stage of life—who recovered from his heart surgery 3-6 days ahead of schedule, and is still doing wonderfully! Praise the Lord for that!

So, after a few days of feeling “weak”, I must remember that those moments of weakness are just ways of finding strength. Those moments that you feel weak, aren’t actually weakness at all. They are moments of strength that are disguised as weakness. They are the moments that you will look back on and remember as a time that you had the strength to make it through something that you thought was impossible.

Home

 **Make sure that you pause my regular "blog" music before watching the video by scrolling all the way to the bottom of the page and clicking the pause button on the Playlist.

For some reason, every time I watch this video and hear this song (which has been a lot lately), I have had the overwhelming urge to write.

I had started a blog relating to this video about a month ago, but never managed to finish it (kind of the trend lately). After watching it a couple more times, my feelings for it seem to have intensified, so here goes attempt #2 at a post!

I have come to really like this video for numerous reasons. Of course one of these reasons is that it reminds me of North Carolina. I have no idea where it was ACTUALLY was taken, but I DO know that the singer—the girl in the video—was on a TV show for 9 seasons that was filmed in Wilmington, North Carolina. So there’s a good change it IS actually North Carolina. But, oddly enough, that’s not the reason I am most drawn to the video.

The #1 reason I like this video? It doesn’t look staged at all. It looks like there was no script, no plan, no “set”. It was just her, having fun, doing whatever she though of doing in that moment.

In many ways, it inspires me. Would I ever be caught dancing in public? Probably not. Trying to hurdle a barrel/garbage can? Probably not. Doing any of the things she does in this video? Probably not. Well, I have written in the sand before, but only after making sure no one was watching me.

It makes me wonder though. What’s so wrong with doing those things in public? What’s so wrong about being yourself and just having fun (and maybe making a fool of yourself) and doing things that make you happy. What’s wrong with doing whatever you feel like doing in that moment?

Nothing.

So why is it so hard? What is so difficult about just living and not worrying?

If there is one thing that I wish I could change about myself, that is it—that I could let go of inhibitions and just live. Just be. Just do whatever makes me happy in that moment. To be the girl in the video. The girl that isn’t afraid to do something out of the ordinary because it will make me happy. I with I could stop worrying about EVERYTHING and just live and enjoy life.

In addition to the video, I have found myself pulling meaning from the song itself also (while walking around the house singing loudly to myself).

“Hunny I just can’t get around it anymore, you make me feel like homes is where you are. Baby I just can’t walk around it every morn. It’s time that I believe that home is where you are.”

Little by little, this song (and my moment) have been helping me overcome my lack of an “at home” feeling. It continues to engrave into my head that “home is where you (my husband) are.” And if he is here, and wants to be here, then I guess that I am home. And it’s time that I believe that.

That being said, I guess that the main overall lesson I am pulling from all these “mini lessons” is this- just because I am back in a place where I grew up. Where everyone thinks they know me, doesn’t mean that I can’t change. That I can’t create a new me. That I can’t become the girl in the video who is happy and has found her home. I CAN change. I CAN be that girl. And someday, I will be.

“I’ve never been to half of these places, but your postcard collection makes me crave a little space a little ways out of the city into the grace of another land, another tongue, another time.”

The Great Unknown

 (**I have been desperately trying to generate a second post about our Vegas trip, and after 2 separate attempts, and the discovery that over half of my pictures from the trip “disappeared” from my memory card, I have decided to just give it up and move on to something else)

Tonight I seem to have found a recurring theme amongst my Facebook friends/acquaintances. That theme is the unknown. I mostly see it in a group that I am a part of that is a support group for military spouses. This group, is very unique. It isn’t like most other groups on Facebook. It is very, very different. In a very good way. It is a sorority type group that does fundraisers, and potlucks, and everything else you would do with a group of friends.

After a minor panic attack from one of the girls whose husband is currently deployed to Afghanistan, we somehow got on the subject of the unknown. I discovered that many of them are much like I am. Or was, anyway.

One of the biggest struggles, as I have probably mentioned before, of the Marine Corps, is having to conform to their way of doing things. Having to take your schedule and make it fit theirs. Because they don’t “adjust” their schedules to fit yours. Ever. Anytime you try to plan something, it’s like the Marine Corps KNOWS that you have it planned and purposely throws a kink in it. It’s very hard for people who are like I was, to adjust to that. People who always have their life planned out. Who know what they are doing, when they are doing it, and where they are going to do it.

Many people—military and civilian—cling to that as their support. They see it as their way of having some kind of control over the future and the unknown. Unfortunately, most people never realize that it doesn’t really work that way. This is one of the reasons why I am very thankful to the military. The Marine Corps broke me of this habit. It took time, and a lot of frustration, but it did.

My big leap off the edge of “preparedness” into the Great Unknown, came when I moved to North Carolina. I finished college in July, quit my job (without another one lined up) at the end of July, moved back home with my parents with the intention of finding a job. And after about 2 weeks of looking, I bought a plane ticket and was on my way out to North Carolina in the middle of August, with 2 bags worth of stuff to last me for 4 months, or however long I decided to stay out there. This was so uncharacteristic of me. The last time I went to North Carolina (for a 10 day visit, mind you), I bought my plane ticket about 5 months in advance.

After 4 years of being jerked around on the military’s VERY short chain, I was done with it. I decided that I would just willingly go. I would willingly jump through hoops. I would willingly do what they wanted me to do. And if that meant packing 4 months worth of “stuff” into 2 bags, then that’s what I would do.

I still am not really back to my “old self”. And to be honest, I’m not sure I want to go back there. There is something very liberating about having no plans, and no schedules, and not trying to control things. There is something very liberating about being able to “fly by the seat of your pants” and not over think things. To not constantly be thinking about “what if this happens, or what if that happens”—but to just live it, and see what DOES happen.

Let be honest. You can SAY that you are going to that Pampered Chef party next weekend, or you can PLAN on going to you cousin’s best friend’s sister’s baby shower, but does that really mean you have control over your future? Of course not. What happens if your sister is in a bad accident the day before the Pampered Chef party? Or your son breaks his arm the morning of the baby shower? I would bet you’re not going to either one. You can’t control your future. You can plan, and hope for the best, but that’s all you can do. There will always be the Great Unknown.

God is the one who is in charge, and he will put you where he wants you—which is not necessarily going to be where you are “supposed” to be according to your calendar. Which isn’t to say that you shouldn’t keep a calendar—order is good. But, it’s important to not view that calendar as your way to control the future or attempt to make the unknown disappear. Because it doesn’t, and it won’t.

Embrace the unknown. Trust that God will put you where he needs you, when he needs you there. And take a leap out of the world of “structure and control” and do what you feel like doing in that moment. Even if it’s only for a day, leave your schedule behind, let your plans be broken, and just live.

A random moon picture from North Carolina, because I thought this post needed a pictures...and I seem to stuck at remembering to take new ones..

“Sometimes an interruption is actually a divine appointment”

(my mom told me this after we missed our flight to Vegas—not sure if she read it somewhere, or if it was one of her own, but either way, she’s right)

Defining Moments

Well, I had a post typed out about our very first Matco Tool Expo to Las Vegas, but then I read it and it sounded rather depressing. And, I wasn’t entirely sure if I was ready to share what I had written with other people. So, I typed it up, and it sat, unpublished, in my list of blog posts. I reread it a couple times and decided that is where it will stay.

I decided to take a more positive approach on it and post this one instead.

When Steve got out of the military, I wasn’t ready for it. I didn’t want it to happen, and I can’t really explain why. I’m sure people think I’m absolutely crazy for not being completely overjoyed that my husband will not have to go into a warzone, and that I will never have to be separated from him for 7 months while he’s there again. But there’s more to it than that. And after him being done with the Marine Corps for over a year now, I’m still not ready for it. I’m still not adjusting. I’m still not sure that right here, right now, is where I am supposed to be. But, chances are, if you have been reading my blog, you already gathered that from past blog posts.

When I got home, I had been talking to my sister-in-law (also a Marine wife), I don’t remember exactly how the conversation went, or even how it started. But I do know, that she, too, apparently had some apprehensions about leaving the Marine Corps behind, and I remember her saying that there was something that happened a few months after the start of their civilian life that reassured her that they were right where they needed to be. I have no idea what that “defining moment” was for her, nor do I need to know. But it gave me hope. That some day I would have a “moment” that would help me realize that leaving the Marine Corps behind wasn’t as scary or as difficult as I had made it to be.

I think I’m still waiting for that moment, although the desire to be back in the military lifestyle is getting less and less prominent.

That being said, for a lot of the Tool Expo in Las Vegas, I felt the very same way. Like I wasn’t where I was supposed to be. I felt very out of place due to various reasons that were completely out of control, but, there was one moment. A moment where I finally felt like I was right where I was supposed to be, when I was supposed to be there. A moment where someone said something to me that reassured me that I was doing what I should be doing in that moment. A moment that made me feel whole, and made me feel good about myself. I hadn’t had a moment like that in a long time. And it was nice to have a little reassurance that I am on the right path.

Now, I’m no dummy. I know that if Steve was still in the Marine Corps, he wouldn’t be selling Matco tools, and we wouldn’t be at the Matco Tool Expo in Vegas where I had that “moment”. But is it my “defining moment” that is going to convince me that I am where I need to be, and that I can finally let go of the Marine Corps and never look back? I don’t think so. Unfortunately. But at least it’s a start.  

Airplane Adventures, Stupidity, and a Hint of Sarcasm

I have come to the very clear and positive solution that I hate to travel. Scratch that--I love to travel. I hate to travel on airplanes. I love driving to different states. I love seeing different places. But at this point, if I were ever to decide to travel to Europe, I think I would rather take a canoe than an airplane.

Between Steve and I, we have horror stories of flying. You name it, it's happened. Neither of us can fly together or separately without some kind of mishap.

Many of these circumstance has to do largely with the stupidity of others. Excuse me for being blunt, but it's true.

When Steve left for boot camp, he flew out of Fargo, with a layover in Denver, and a final destination of San Diego. Upon arrival in Denver, he found his gate, except he missed a memo about the gate change. Now, you may be thinking, "How is that someone else's stupidity?" Well, stay tuned. When I said "missed the memo", what I REALLY mean is he verified that he was at the correct gate by verifying that the flight number on his ticket matched the flight number on the big screen at the gate. And it did. And it continued to match his flight number and destination until he tried to board when they FINALLY gave him the memo that his flight was at a different gate. And had already left.  This meant that he had to go from Denver to San Francisco, THEN to San Diego--and was "late" for boot camp. The military isn't fond of "late".

Fast forward to a couple Januarys later. I decided to fly out and see him before he deployed. Being "comfortable" with flying, I decided to do a connecting flight so I could land closer to where Steve was. I had done this before, and usually connected through Charlotte, NC--a very lovely airport. Unfortunately, there were no return flights through Charlotte-only Atlanta. Those of you that travel frequently are probably laughing your asses off right now.

The flight there went completely flawlessly. And in my mind, I thought, "Could it be? Could it be that I have FINALLY escaped the curse of flying inconveniences?!" OF COURSE NOT! The return flight, I found myself stuck at OAJ (Jacksonville, North Carolina airport) because there was "bad weather" in Atlanta. Atlanta was grounded for something like 4-5 hours. Again, those of you that are experienced with traveling are now laughing even harder--perhaps you fell out of your chair even!

Let me clear this up for those of you wondering why this whole situation is so funny. My mother-in-law once said/heard and passed to me, "Before you go to heaven, you must first pass through Atlanta". I certainly hope this isn't true since Atlanta would more likely be somewhere they would send you to prepare you for hell. It seems like EVERY PLANE IN THE COUNTRY goes through Atlanta (or Denver, but I've already informed you of THEIR abilities).

Once again, you are probably thinking "It was a delay due to weather, not someone else's fault". Stick with me again on this one. After an additional 3-4 hours at OAJ, and a 1 hour flight, I landed in Atlanta. We deplaned on the tarmac because EVERY plane in the country was there since they all have to go through there and the airport had been grounded for 5 hours. We were then directed through a pathway (it was raining, for the record) which eventually led to an emergency exit next to a restroom or something.

I quickly found my next gate so I could sit and wait for my further delayed flight (since now every plane in America is lined up to take OFF from Atlanta). Five additional hours, and three gate changes later, I finally boarded my plane to Minneapolis--at midnight. I was supposed to ARRIVE at midnight.

I got to Minneapolis where my poor parents had to stay with a friend to try to get some sleep, while remaining "on call" to come get me whenever the airlines decided it was my turn to go home. As I stood at baggage claim, dead tired, I wondered how I was ever going to make it through work the next day. I stood in baggage claim and watched bag after bag be taken from the carousel. And waited and waited, when there were only 2 bags left on the carousel, I realized that mine wasn't there and wasn't coming.

I went to the baggage claim lady in tears and she politely informed me that my bags hadn't left Jacksonville. At this point, I should have just laughed, but I didn't...I was not amused. Let me explain something here...

I'm guessing no one, other than my husband, that is reading this has been to OAJ. So here it is. There are 3 gates. Three. Gates. Every gate is in the SAME ROOM. If I am sitting in Gate 3 I will STILL know when my flight is leaving from Gate 1. Honestly, if I was in the RESTROOM I would know. This "gate room" is about 30 yards from where I gave the nice, but apparently incompetent, lady my bags. During the 4 hours that I sat there, there was ONE other flight that left that airport. How did they not get my bag from the ONE LANE baggage check-in, through one of the FOUR DOORS going out of the airport and on to one of the TWO PLANES that were there? Did I mention they had FOUR HOURS to get it there? I still haven't quite figured this one out. Once again, my disastrous flying experience was completely because of someone else's stupidity.

Also, I partly blame airlines for being so ridiculous that they need to send airplanes 2 hours in the wrong direction before they take you where you want to go. Since when is Atlanta "on the way" from North Carolina to Minnesota anyway? Although--even better--I once had the option of a layover in Denver when flying from Minnesota to North Carolina. Figure that one out.

Among these 2 instances, we also had a flight canceled on us for no reason--no bad weather, no plane trouble, just 'cuz'. I have also sat on the tarmac in the plane for 1 hour because the pilot/control tower couldn't find our "take off numbers"--and I was trusting them with flying me home?! There are others too, but I won't continue on. 

Meanwhile, here I am FINALLY on my flight to Las Vegas after missing the first one. Why? I'll tell you why. MSP seems to be turning into the most ridiculous airport ever. We got there with what SHOULD have been plenty of time to check in--if people weren't so stupid. We parked, unloaded our bags, made our way through the airport passing right by the "Air France" baggage check (last time I check, Las Vegas is NOT in France) to go upstairs to check my bag. We get up there, and find like a TRILLION people. Attempting to get to the bag check counter, we encountered many of those annoying people who are walking along fine, then randomly decide to stop walking thereby clogging the single lane of available space to walk. I'm pretty sure Steve almost kicked someone out of the way.

Upon arriving at the back check waiting line, a lady told us, "Turn around and go down the escalator at '4' to check your bags. So we did. Guess where that landed us. Come on, just guess! Right at the "Air France" baggage check. Couldn't they have just put a sign down there saying "Don't even bother going upstairs, they're just going to send you back here". So that we wouldn't have wasted 1/2 hour trying to squeeze our way through ridiculously slow moving people only to be told to go back to where we came from? Of course not! That would be silly....?

At the baggage check, we were once again stuck behind people who would stand and stare at the check-in kiosk like it was telling them to strip off all their clothes in Japanese. After 1/2 of waiting, we finally got my bag checked and rushed upstairs to get into the 2 mile (seriously) long line to get through security. It didn't help that they had 1 of their 6 "security checkpoints" closed--although still fully manned--for some reason unknown to man.

We were directed to security check point #6 after being assured that even though it had a line 1 1/2 miles longer than every other checkpoint, it would be the fastest. I'm not convinced.

After over and hour, we made it through security with about 10 minutes until our flight left. Of course, it was at the gate that was the absolute furthest away. After a sorry attempt at running to the gate, we slowed to a power walk. We got there and they checked in our boarding passes and let us through the door. Astonished that a flight could actually go as planned for us, we were rejoicing as we ran down the walkway to the plane. Once we got there, the rather bitchy crabby lady at the other end said "It's closed, you'll have to go back." Yes, the plane was still right there. Yes we were technically there at 8:57 and the departure time was 9:00. Yes, I would have liked to rip her a new one right then and there. And yes, were it not for their lack of a sign at the baggage claim, we would have made it.

I'm never flying again...

It Must Be Love...

 **This post has been sitting in my "unfinished queue" for a week now..and I finally got to finishing it. Again, I am still sucking at the whole experimenting with my camera and taking pictures thing, so here are some of our wedding pictures.

One of the most common questions military spouses get, especially while their significant other is deployed, is, “How do you do it?” And I think I can speak for most all military spouses when I say, “We do it because we have to”. There is no other way to explain it. I don’t know how I did it. And to be honest with you, most days it seems like it was all a dream, like I didn’t actually do it at all. When I was going through it, it didn’t feel like my life was any different than anyone else’s. It didn’t seem that hard—most days.

The anticipation of being separated (by deployment) is FAR worse than when it actually happens. The first two weeks are “adjustment weeks” and then after that, you find a new routine, a new kind of normal, and coping mechanisms that make the rest of the time seem not quite so bad.

That being said, I find myself wondering how I ever did it. On Saturday, Steve went to a meeting in the cities for the business. It was only going to be a one day thing. And I knew that. I could have gone with him—I didn’t have anything going on, and families are usually welcome to come to those types of things, and sometimes even encouraged to go to them. But, he was riding with his brother, who was picking up a couple others, and he assured me that it wouldn’t be anything I would find interesting anyway. So, I decided to stay home and try to work on my mountain of things to do.

Friday night, I was absolutely dreading the next day. I hated the thought of being home, by myself, without him. I hated that I had to be away from him. Even if it was only for 12 hours—4 of which I was sleeping. On Saturday, I started missing him—like REALLY missing him, by about noon. And I slept in until like 10. It seems to happen at work every day too. About halfway through the day, I just start missing him like crazy and can’t wait until he comes home so I can see him and be with him.

I am laughing here, even though it kind of looks like I am mid-sneeze

Every weekend seems to fly by so fast, and then we are back to a WHOLE WEEK of going our separate ways, and doing our own things when I wish we could both just stay home all day every day and snuggle up on the couch and watch movies or something.

He keeps me sane and seems to find a way to solve all my problems. Tonight, I completely broke down and started crying over what I THOUGHT was a newly broken Christmas gift that I had been attempting to fix for about 3 hours. Steve saw how frustrated I was, put down what he was doing, and had my problem fixed in about 3 minutes. Apparently, it’s not broken, just ridiculously temperamental.  I’m not entirely sure what I would have done if he weren’t here, or what I did when he wasn’t here. Probably got ridiculously frustrated, cried, and then pretended that whatever problem I was having didn’t exist.

I don’t know how I survived with him gone. There’s no way to explain it, and no way for my brain to comprehend how I was capable of such a feat. Although I’m sure that I could do it again, if I had to, it doesn’t seem like it would be possible for me survive that long without him again. Especially when I feel like I can barely survive one day without him.

As much as being away from each other, and the deployments and the separation, and everything that goes along with the military lifestyle strengthened us, both individually, and as husband and wife, I think that the being able to actually be together has continued to make us stronger. And has succeeded in making me something that I wasn’t able to be for a long time. A spoiled wife who gets to be with her husband almost every day for at least a little while, and a wife who gets to snuggle up to her husband pretty much every night.

The only way I can explain all of it, this whole post. Everything that I’ve experienced in the last 5 years, everything I’m feeling right now, everything I hope to continue, is that it must be love. We must really have something special. I didn’t ever really doubt this. I mean, I did put up with 4 years of military, 2 deployments for the man. And married him—twice. But sometimes it’s kind of refreshing to take a look at the bond that you have, the feelings that you share, and be reminded how important people are to you.

On a (somewhat) side note, I’m not generally all that concerned about what other people think of me, but I do occasionally wonder, if certain things I do, or don’t do, are perceived by others to be something that they’re not. (How’s that for a confusing statement). One of those things that I sometimes wonder, is if the way my husband and I act around each other is appropriate for a couple who is fairly newly married, and fairly newly reunited after a deployment. (Leaning along the lines of, “Are we being lovey-dovey enough?”—I’m not a big fan of PDA).

Today I got a nice reassurance. I was sitting in church, before church actually started. And I had gone early since I volunteered to help with a Sunday School class. After Sunday School, I went into the sanctuary to find a spot and I sat there and waited for Steve to arrive. I talked a few people and Steve finally came and sat next to me. Shortly after, the church service started, starting with the standard “Stand up and greet your neighbors”. I turned around and shook the hand of the middle-aged man sitting behind me. I’m not going to say he was a complete stranger. He wasn’t. I had talked to him a couple times before. But it’s not like I have spent a lot of time conversing with him either. Generally we say “Hi” to each other and that would be it. You know, one of those deals where you know each other, but you don’t usually talk about anything of any real value. Anyway, upon saying the “Good mornings”, and the handshakes, (I wish I could remember his exact words) but he said something along the lines of, “I think it’s really good that you still get that twinkle in your eye when you look at him”. I was a little dumbfounded that someone I barely knew would notice something like that, but at the same time, encouraged that my love for Steve shows to other people.

 

I guess the only way to explain it is, it must be love…

Life

Following a series of unfortunate events and a slow, long ride home, I was given a chance to think about the past year and where it has brought us. We are in a COMPLETELY different spot—physically, mentally, and emotionally—than last year at this time. We were still in North Carolina, staring down the end of 4 years of active duty, and trying to figure out, “where do we go from here”. It’s a rather difficult decision. After 4 full years of the military more or less dictating every move of your life, when you finally gain your freedom back, it’s a little intimidating to try to figure out what to do with it. It takes a lot of adjusting. I found that out rather quickly.

Before the Marine Corps, I was all about schedules, and lists, and planning, and knowing where I was going to be, when. The Marine Corps takes your schedules, your lists, and your planning, rips them out of your hands, and throws them out the window. And every time you try to regain a shred of that plan they threw out the window, they grab it out of your hands even more quickly than the last time and throw it out the window again. Until, eventually, you just accept the fact that it will never change and you might as well quit trying. Which is exactly what I did. Oddly enough, now that we are done with the Marine Corps, I still don’t really make schedules, or lists, or plans. I just do what I feel like doing when I feel like doing it. In some ways, it’s not exactly the most ideal way to live—I would love to have my “structure” back. But, at the same time, it’s kind of liberating to not be bound by schedules and lists and planning. I’m thinking that’s what keeps me from going back to it.

Either way, my husband, I think, is the same boat as I am—a once very structured individual, stripped of all his own personal structure to fit into the structure of the military, and now not always sure of what he is going to do until he does it.

In many ways, this flaw character trait that we both now seem to possess has gotten us to where we are today. Originally, Steve had planned on going to school, but at the last minute he changed his mind, and decided to take up a business venture instead. Now, even though I am now a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of girl, this business venture was a little unnerving for me. I wasn’t convinced that it was the best move for us. Especially at this point in our lives. But, my husband cannot be talked out of something that he really wants to do, unless it’s himself trying to do the talking-out-of. So, I knew that we were going to be doing it regardless of what I thought of it.

Despite my reluctance, I have been trying to contribute in any way possible and be supportive. I have since changed my mind about this ordeal. Of course I still wonder, “where would we be if…”, but who doesn’t wonder that sometimes? Here we are, 5 months into our business venture, and I am beginning to be more and more okay with it, even excited about it. Do I think it was the best path for us? I don’t know. I will never know, since I didn’t get to experience the other paths. Is it better than I thought it was going to be? Yeah, I can honestly say that it is. Steve works hard every day, with the hope that his business will turn out to be able to provide for us, so that I won’t HAVE to work when we start thinking about having kids. Whether or not I would want to give up my job, I have no idea—I think I might want to continue at my job! Either way, I know what he was thinking when he started this business venture, and what he wants to come out of it, and that makes me even more supportive of him than I initially thought I would be.

The best parts about this whole thing? He LOVES his job. It’s something that he enjoys doing every day. Which is more than he can say about certain other jobs he has had. It doesn’t get much better than working at a job that you like. I love my jobs—both of them. I work a “normal” job at a bank during the day, and I come home and get to utilize my college education, as well as fulfill my desire to continue learning new things, by doing the bookkeeping for the business. We are both happy where we are working—what can be better than that!?

No matter how structured your life is, how many plans you make, or how many schedules you follow, sometimes a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants moment can bring lots of good things to set your life into a comfortable place.

And, because I STILL don’t have a new picture to go along with this blog, and because it was so cold and crummy today, here is one of my favorite pictures from last year at this time:

BTW, for those of you who haven’t figured this out yet, I have decided that my New Years Resolution needs to be modified (I know, I know, it’s like the 2^nd week of the year). My goal, now, will be at least 1 new blog post/life lesson/picture PER WEEK, instead of PER DAY. At least until after tax season is over…

The Dreaded Phone Call

When I was younger, my parents always had me study for my spelling tests right before I would go to sleep, with the belief that studying right before you went to sleep helped your brain to retain the information. I’m sure we’ve all heard that before though, so it’s not really “new” news. While I always did really well on my spelling tests, I’m not entirely convinced that it was because I studied before I went to sleep. I think it is just because I have always found spelling to be rather easy. (Please note that any spelling errors in this blog is most likely a “typo” and not an actual spelling error—I dislike proofreading, so I only do it when I have to). And, to be completely honest, I spent many a night studying late at night, even falling asleep while studying for some of my college courses, and I don’t think it helped any.

Either way, I never had dreams about spelling, or accounting, or anything else that I studied before I went to bed at night. At least not that I remember.

Which bring me to my next observation—I remember a LOT of my dreams. According to my 10^th grade Psychology class, that is BAD. That means that I am frequently woken up while during my REM sleep cycle which means I actually end up being more tired than I would, had I woken up and not remembered my dreams. Either way, my dreams are usually pretty crazy. If I actually believed that what you dreamt about had some hidden meaning, I would probably check myself into some dream analysis hospital, which would very quickly land me in a mental institution.

Occasionally I have fairly normal, realistic dreams though, and lately those dreams have been so vivid that I wake up wondering if I was dreaming, or if at least part of that dream really happened. As much as I would like to say that this blog post is about one of those crazy, screwed up, “how on Earth did I come up with THAT?” dreams, it’s not. It’s about one of the normal, realistic ones.

A few days ago, early in the morning, my husband and I were still sleeping. I have no idea what time it ACTUALLY was, but in my mind, I was thinking it was like 5am. I realize now that it was probably more like 8am, but whatever. We were still sleeping, and Steve’s phone rang. He looked at the number, and chose to ignore it. But, since he knew that it (barely) woke me up, he asked, “Who would be calling with a number that is all 1s?” Which spiraled me straight into a sleep induced panic, and VERY vivid dream. I heard the little “beep” informing him that the caller had left a voicemail for him. I told him (in my sleep) that he needed to listen to it RIGHT NOW to find out what they wanted. He didn’t, he just rolled over and went back to sleep.

It was very stressful to me that I didn’t know what the caller wanted (although, apparently not stressful enough to keep me awake because I fell asleep almost immediately after I told him he needed to listen to the voicemail RIGHT NOW. This whole thing probably requires a little further explanation—like why I was so adamant about knowing RIGHT NOW, and why it stressed me out so much to not know, and left me in a panic in my sleep. There actually is a very legitimate reason for feeling all of this, and here it is:

In the Marine Corps, they have what are called a “Family Readiness Officers”, or as Milspouses call them, “FROs”. While these people are available to help military families with anything, deployed or not, one of their more well-known duties, is to relay information to the families of deployed Marines, and to help those families cope with their Marine being gone. While Marines are deployed, they will send out (automated) phone calls to the families with any updates they receive. I was on the “calling list” while Steve was in Afghanistan. Whenever they would call, the number would show up on my phone as all 1s.

In my pretty much completely sleeping stupor, for some reason, I was certain that it was the FRO calling us to inform us that Steve was being called back into active duty. Now this isn’t a COMPLETELY nutso thought. It really could happen. Steve technically still has 2+ years of inactive duty left, meaning that if the need arises, they can call him back to go to war. Generally this would mean a deployment of mass proportions—as in every military man in the country who was “active duty” would have to be deployed before Steve would have to go again, and with all branches of the military currently OVER staffed, it is unlikely that will happen. But not impossible. The one slightly “nutso” aspect of that, is why I thought it would be the automated FRO phone call that would be informing us that he was being called back.

I was so confused about why we would be getting a phone call from them at all, that was the only conclusion that I could come to. It never even occurred to me that some one else’s number might show up like that. I think that’s why I wanted him to listen to the voicemail RIGHT NOW. I wanted to know why they were calling us.

I fell asleep thinking about this, and for once in my life, what I fell asleep thinking about actually reflected in my dreams. I dreamt that it was, in fact, the FRO. Luckily, he wasn’t calling to inform us that Steve had been reactivated, he was calling us to inform us of some heart condition that many of the Marines that were in Steve’s unit were experiencing, due to some kind of chemical or gas that they had been exposed to where they went. And that he should go to the VA and get checked out immediately.

Now, this isn’t entirely crazy either, although I am a little curious how it came into play. Steve was exposed to plenty of gases that were deemed “cancerous”, during his active duty. Not to mention the fact that they (meaning the Marines in the occupation) have come to the conclusion that “Trackers” are not able to have sons. And so far it has proven true to all but 1 person that I know—and that one’s son was born before he was in the Marine Corps, so that hardly counts. Again, that part that I don’t really understand is why I thought the FRO would be calling to inform us. When actually (since Steve is already dealing with the VA) it would probably be his doctor at the VA that would inform him of this.

Anyway, I woke up not too long after that, and was completely confused. I had no idea why I was dreaming about that, or how much of it was true. I didn’t know if the phone call had really been from the FRO, or if there even was a phone call, or if it was all a dream. I was going to ask Steve (who had also just woken up), if someone had called that had a number with all 1s, risking feeling like a complete moron, but I didn’t have to. Just as I was thinking about asking, he picked up his phone and called his voicemail. I listened, heart racing, as he keyed in his password and waited for the very kind-sounding, yet annoying “voicemail lady” to inform him that he had a new message.

I was relieved to hear that it was some lady asking about a tool repair.

I have heard about military men coming back from war and having flashbacks through dreams of their time in the warzone. And all the post-traumatic stress symptoms. I have even heard of milspouses with injured or KIA soldiers experiencing the Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder symptoms through the recollections of their husbands. I’m not implying that I have anything remotely close to post-traumatic stress, but I did find it very odd, how worked up I got about a phone number. How panicked I got wondering why the military was calling us, and the sense of urgency of needing to know RIGHT NOW.

Although this “lesson” is something that I already knew, it was a good reminder that war affects everyone. It doesn’t just stop at the soldiers, or even their families. It goes beyond that a plays a role in everyone’s lives—whether they like it or not. And it doesn’t just go away—even the smallest triggers can send feeling flooding back.

So, no picture for this one either—I’m not doing so hot on the “picture” aspect of my New Years’ Resolution, but honestly, I’m not sure what I would take a picture of to go with this story, so I will save the picture for another blog post.