Change

               Change is hard. Really. It is. It is, by far, my biggest fear (there’s that word again!) Some people are scared of snakes. Spiders. Heights. Me? None of those. But change. Change is terrifying to me. IT’s not really the small changes that bother me – the changes in how something is done, how something looks, how something operates. I’m talking the major life changes. The ones where you better be dang sure that you are committed to because once you make the leap, there’s no going back. You’re adapting on the fly.

               I imagine I’m not the only one who feels that way about change, though. I don’t know a lot of people who are ALWAYS willing to dive headlong into change without even considering the cost of what gets left behind.

               I have felt change brewing in my life for a while now. And, honestly, it’s been mentally exhausting to me trying to calculate the costs. The benefits. The whats, the whys, and the whens. It’s largely the reason for my word – movement.

               The word movement was assigned to me, by God, via a friend. I truly believe that. And with a word like that, you can only assume there’s going to be lots of changes involved. BIG changes. Which only leads to more antagonizing myself over what. And when.

               Trust (which also seems to be a recurring theme in my life lately) is also hard. And terrifying. And sometimes a bit confusing.

               In my original post about my word for the year, I mentioned that I thought I knew what it meant but that every time I tried to move, it became very clear that the movement I was making was wrong. And I had kind of assumed that meant I was going in the wrong direction altogether. And, honestly, it kind of bothered me. Because I felt like all of these signs were pointing me down the path that I was supposed to take and that I was thing being told that I was going the wrong way. But then when I turned around and went back, the signs still pointed to the path I had started out on. See? Confusing.

               And, I will (slightly shamefully) admit that I kind of feel like I’ve been on this continuous loop for months. See? Exhausting.

               But I think the key. The true key. Is that I was missing the trust factor. Because sometimes it’s hard to remember that God hand delivers us where we’re supposed to be. Hand. Delivers. He doesn’t just point us in the right direction and give us a shove and wish us the best of luck. He points us down a path and then He fine tunes that path. The path gets narrower. Because there are other paths that branch off. And it’s THOSE paths that he shuts down.  It’s THOSE paths that He says ‘Nope, you’re not turning here.” And a lack of trust generates fear. And fear, which is designed to keep us complacent makes us throw our hands up in the air and say “Well then I’ll just go back to the beginning and hang out there.” Because it’s the one place that you know that you’re safe. That you won’t get lost. Or eaten by a mountain lion. But then we realize that even staying where we’re ‘safe’ is wrong. So we had back up the trail. Again.

               It’s easy to get frustrated. And to forget that we’re STILL POINTED IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION. And that just like real-life hiking paths, there are branches off of it that are NOT right. For us. So we have to go back. But not all the way back to the beginning. Just back to where we made a wrong turn. So we can try a different path. One that will actually lead us to the destination God has had in mind for us the whole time.

               It can be hard to remember that God had the ability. The desire. The will. To see us ALL the way through. That He doesn’t just leave us to stumble our way through the woods, tripping over logs or getting lost. We just have to maintain trust – that He is hand delivering us exactly where we’re supposed to be. And that, sometimes, that means removing ALL other options. Even ones that look like they lead in the right direction. ESPECIALLY ones that look like they lead in the right direction. Because those are the ones we’re most likely to go down. And the ones we’re most likely to get lost on.

               Change is scary. Terrifying. Exhausting. It can challenge our trust. But maybe it’s meant to. The only way to build trust is to see things ALL the way through. And see that promises were kept. That our best interests were ALWAYS priority. And that all the directional signs and dropped bread crumbs WEREN’T misguiding us. But were keeping us pointed in the right direction. So we could make it to our TRUE destination. Our TRUE purpose. Instead of just ‘kind of in the general area.’

               Trust that you’re not lost. Just being hand delivered on a path you never would have chosen yourself because you couldn’t see the end. And where it leads. Trust enough to just. keep. moving.

All In

               So, we’ll start out with a little bit of honesty here. A little bit of information that you might not know about me. A little something that might make your head spin a little.

               When we left the military life 8 years ago, I didn’t really want it to end. Yep. That’s right. Don’t feel bad that you have this look on your face like you think I’m actually crazy. I’m used to it. No hard feelings here.

               “Why not, Kayla?” Was it because I thought the mind games and constant uncertainty was peaceful and calming? No. Did I think the fear of what might happen to my husband while he was in places where people were literally out to kill him was exhilarating? Also no. Did I enjoy being away from him for months and months with intermittent communication that was sketchy at best and an ideal way to maintain a relationship? Not exactly. Did I think the long, tear filled goodbyes were SO. MUCH. FUN. that I never wanted them to end? Definitely not.

               So, what was it? That made me want to stay where I was at? Doing all of those things? Honestly, if you’ve never lived it, it’s hard to explain. And when you HAVE lived it – it’s still easy to forget.

               The homecomings and the time together is where it’s at. The homecomings that you see online – you know the ones. Military dads surprising their kids by showing up at their schools unexpectedly. Husbands somehow surprising their wives. Or dogs going completely bazerk over their owner coming home from deployment. The videos that make your heart SO HAPPY and your eyes pretty much instantly well up into tears because of all the emotion? And that just from watching videos of complete strangers. Can you imagine LIVING it? I can. Because I have. And basically, all the emotion you feel from watching the strangers? Multiply that time about 1000 and you might end up somewhere close to what it feels like to live it. But you can’t, really. Because you can’t really know what that feels like unless you’ve lived it. It’s unfathomable. But it’s amazing. And something I would I could explain in a way that everyone could understand it. And feel it. That feeling, you never forget.

               But that’s not all. The time that follows. The time that’s spent together is where it’s at too. But this is the part that’s easy to forget. When your time is limited, you live life a little differently. A little harder. A little more intentionally. Those dishes over there? They can wait. Those bills that probably should have been paid last week? They can wait a little longer too. Because all that matters is that you’re TOGETHER. Everything else is unimportant. Everything else.

               I never wanted to forget that. But I knew that I would. And I did. Life gets mundane when you see each other every day. You come home from work. You vent (or rave) about your day to each other and then you go about your own separate tasks and interests. Because the dishes need to be done and the bills need to be paid. And then you go to sleep, wake up and do it all over again. And some days, you just REALLY wish you had AT LEAST a weekend AWAY from that person because, frankly, they’re getting on your nerves. Or they’re in a bad mood or you’re in a bad mood (not just me, right? RIGHT?!) And life goes on. And you’re living. But you’re not really living. Because responsibilities, work, kids, and just plain on boring routine fill your life. I’ve said it before and I’ll continue to say it. Because I believe it’s true. And because I’ve witnessed it in my own life.

               A lot of times (there are exceptions, of course), the couples/families who spend less time together physically usually spend more time together mentally and emotionally than the couples/families who see each other every day. Because the little time they have together, they are ALL IN. They are present in every way possible. They don’t get sidetracked. Or lost in their own thoughts or their routine. Because they don’t want to waste a second of what little time they have.

               Now that I’ve found myself in a similar position – with being away from my husband for extended periods of time – people ask me how I feel about it. And I’m never quite sure what to say. I feel like if I say “I’m kind of excited about it”, they’d look at me like I’d sprouted a second head (again, not really that unusual). But I’m not sure ‘excited’ is the word I’d use anyway. I’m nervous. I’m terrified. I’m a little unsure of my own strength in this. But I’m also excited. Because a lifestyle like this is a game changer in your life and your relationship. It’s a challenge. But it’s worth it.

MOVEMENT

               So, apparently there’s this “thing” where you choose a word that you want to define your year. Almost kind of a modern day “New Year’s Resolution. Except instead of very specific goals that (let’s be real) you’ll probably fail at, you just choose something that you want to progressively work on throughout the course of the next year. Some people are seriously all about this word choosing. Some people, it seems, are anti-word choosing. Me? I’m somewhere in the middle. If you want to, do it. If you don’t? Don’t.

               I inadvertently chose a word for myself last year (fearless). I didn’t even know this was a “thing” when I chose it. And I’m pretty sure I chose it like in April. I didn’t really have any intention of choosing a word for myself this year. Because in a lot of ways, I feel like my word is still “fearless” and it seems silly to pick the same word two years in a row (even though I didn’t really know I was picking it when I did). As I thought about it more, though, I realized that a word kind of chose me.

               A few months ago, my friend (who is DIALED IN) told me a few months ago that God gave her a word for my life. The word? Movement. She doesn’t know exactly what it means for my life and, frankly, neither do I. I thought I did. I thought I had it all figured out. And I was EXCITED about it. Like, REALLY excited. So I started moving in the direction I thought I was supposed to go. But then God seemed to close every door I tried to move through. So, ironically, I am spending the first part of my year of “movement” in waiting to see which way I am supposed to go.

               I have other option – options that can still fall in line with the signs that I THOUGHT I had been receiving. But they are both options that would be completely uncharacteristic of me. And, therefore, options that terrify me – proof that my journey to fearlessness is still a work in progress.

               I’m growing increasingly curious about where this “word” might take me. I have ideas. I have inklings. And I continue to think of new areas of my life that could have movement. There are so many ways in can be interpreted. And so many areas of my life that can (and already are) supporting movement right out of the gate this year. But if I learned anything last year, it’s that our plans and visions for our lives are sometimes not what God’s plan and vision for our lives are. And that He can take a “word” and transform it into different and MORE ways than what we had envisioned.

               So, despite the fact that I am dreaming about “movement” in my life and what I think that looks like, I’m not closing my mind to the belief that it could be something much different than what I’m dreaming. Something MORE than what I’m dreaming. In fact, there’s a feeling deep down that KNOWS that it WILL be. And there’s a little fear in that. I won’t deny it. But I know that once things start moving, it’s not likely that they will stop until they are moved exactly where they are supposed to be. So I’ve just got to hold on for the ride and see where this new year and new journey take me.

Year In Review - Part 2

               When I committed to my journey towards fearlessness, I mostly meant in regards to my relationships with people. There was a time in my life that I would talk to anyone about anything. I was outgoing. I was conversational. And somewhere throughout the course of my life, that changed. I didn’t realize it when I started my pursuit of fearlessness, but I discovered along the way that the change largely had to do with things that had happened to me. Hurt I had experienced. That closed me off to people around me. And while that part is definitely something I’m still working through, and probably will be for a long time, looking back on the past year, I think I’ve come along way on my journey to fearlessness – in relationships anyway.

               There were a few things that I wasn’t expecting when I started this journey, though. A few things I learned.

               The first thing, is how much the fearless mentality would influence my life as a whole. The attitude spilled over into other aspects of my life. Not JUST relationships. I’ve more or less adopted the “all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage and something great will come of it” way of thinking. (See the movie “We Bought A Zoo” for more info on this.) Am I truly fearless? Heck no. I do things that terrify my all the time. And I used to back down from them. But now? I think, “20 seconds of insane courage” and I DO them (most of the time). Does it really only take 20 seconds? Most of the time, yes. Because in 20 seconds (or, most of the time, less) you can COMMIT to something. And once you’re committed, there’s a good chance you’re doing it. Going ziplining? 20 seconds to enter your credit card info and pay for it. And I’ll be danged if I just paid $150 to chicken out! Run into someone with Minnesota license plates in a random state on vacation? 20 seconds to strike up a conversation with them find out where they’re from and maybe make some new friends. Need to have a tough conversation with someone that you’re total dreading? 20 seconds to set up a date and time to get it done. All it takes is 20 seconds of insane courage. And you’d be surprised how easy it is to muster up that 20 seconds when you look at it that way. It’s changed my life. Sure there are still times that I fail at remembering my “20 seconds” and just chicken out, but it’s a work in progress. And it’s something that has allowed me to experience life more fully than ever before.

               The other thing that I wasn’t really expecting, was how much I would be called to BE fearless. Even when I didn’t want to be. I won’t lie. I went into this thinking that I would teach myself to be fearless like I used to be – but on my OWN terms. That I would be the one dictating what that looked like, where it happened, and when it happened, which is good in theory, but we all know God doesn’t operate like that. No. He says, “okay, if this is what you want, we’re going to perfect it. We’re going to make it bulletproof.” And in order to do that, it needs to be tested. Again. And again. And again. And in different capacities. In your relationships. In the work you do. In the physical sense. In your smaller day-to-day decisions. And in your huge major life decisions. It’s gotta be tested EVERYWHERE. Multiple times. And tested it has been. It’s certainly not bulletproof yet, though. Because I can still see where I’m being pushed a little bit further, but the fear still holds me back. It’s still a work in progress. And something that I will continue with going into next year.

               While these lessons were unexpected and difficult at times, I’m so glad for what this journey turned into for me. It’s amazing where a quick thought, a nagging idea, and the pursuit of a (seemingly) outrageous and totally random vision has led me. And how it has changed my life. From living a passive life because of fear, to living a full, fearless life. 20 seconds of courage at a time.