The Truth.

 I’m an overthinker. An overanalyzer. Every conversation I have. Every interaction I have. I analyze it. And then reanalyze it. (I know I’m not the only one out there). I used to think it was a curse. It can be exhausting to constantly have thoughts that run in the background of your mind asking questions like: Am I being fair to this person? Am I treating them with respect? What message am I sending them with my words and with my actions? Am I sending a message that tells them that I think I’m better than them without realizing it? Am I sending a message that says their concerns or their problems or their feelings are silly or not valid? Am I somehow being judgmental or hurtful? Or am I sending the message that they’re being heard? That they’re right to be hurt or concerned? That I want to help them? That I can relate…or if I can’t that I wish I could?

I’ve discovered that the older I get, and the more interactions I have with people, the more I analyze and reanalyze. I find people fascinating. There’s people who have been raised in horrible environments with horrible role models who turn out to be the most kind, successful, humble people you’ve ever met. There’s people who’ve been raised in loving, (seemingly) perfect homes and ideal environments, who end up being bitter and angry. There’s siblings who were raised by the same parents in the same manner that end up being total opposites from each other in almost every way possible.

I like to observe people. And to interact with them. And to figure out what kind of people they are. What makes them tick. And every time I walk away from a conversation with anyone – a friend, a regular acquaintance, or a complete stranger – I always pull something from that interaction. And usually it’s a ‘Man, I wish I was more like that’ kind of something. Or else it’s a ‘I hope if I’m ever like that someone slaps me upside the head and tells me to quit it’ kind of something. And I’ll be the first to admit that first impressions aren’t always correct. Truth be told, I’ve had a lot of times in my life where my initial reaction is ‘I don’t like this person’ and I’m pretty sure every time I’ve said that, God has stepped in and said ‘Well, lucky you. Now that person is going to be your new best friend.’ And they are. So I’ve given up trying to even fight it. I meet someone I don’t really like right off the bat and just shrug say ‘Hey new best friend what kinda hobbies you got’ (not literally, but you catch my drift).

Anyway, back to the point. Every interaction leads me to more realizations about the kinds of people that exist in the world. Giving me more things to analyze in my conversations and my actions. More thoughts about what I can do to make sure I’m becoming the best version of myself. To adapt to the things I see in people that make them a ‘good’ or ‘pleasant’ person. And to avoid or correct the things that I see in people that make me not want to be like them. It gives me more chances to analyze how I interact with people. How I respond to them. And whether I’m being ‘fair’ to them. Or whether I’m sending messages that are making them go ‘Oof. I hope I’m not like her.’

Something that I’ve realized over the last few years (or maybe I realized it before, but have just been forced to deal with it more) is that there’s a segment of the population that believes themselves to be a cut above the rest. They get to determine whether the words they said were hurtful to you. Spoiler alert: They weren’t. And you’re silly for even mentioning that they might be. They get to determine whether you are worthy of their forgiveness for any type of wrongdoing as well as what kinds of things you have to do to earn it. Spoiler alert: You’ll never be worthy of their forgiveness. But they’ll still make you try to earn it. Just because. They also get to determine whether THEY are worthy of YOUR forgiveness. Spoiler alert: They are. Always. And they don’t even have to offer an apology in order to receive it. They get to determine whether your feelings or concerns are valid. Spoiler alert: They’re not. They never are. They get to place blame. They get to make the rules (all of them). They get to exclude themselves from said ‘rules’. They get to trample over people’s emotions without even batting an eye or feeling the slightest bit of remorse. Because they’re just ‘better’. Apparently.

It’s been challenging to deal with these types of situations when I’ve been put in them. Because no matter how frequently you repeat to yourself ‘it’s a reflection of their character, not mine.’ And no matter how many times your best friends or your husband or whoever tells you ‘they don’t define you. Don’t let it bother you.’ It still hurts. It’s still hard to believe it sometimes. It’s still hard to continue to deal with the onslaught of negative interactions that just continue on a regular basis.

And, in an ironic twist. It becomes super challenging to offer grace (one of those ‘I want to be more like that’ kind of somethings) to those types of people. And super easy to become bitter and angry (one of those ‘I hope if I’m ever like that someone slaps me upside the head and tells me to quit it’ kind of somethings). It’s hard to remember that not everyone is like me. Not everyone analyzes everything they do. Not everyone is concerned with the type of message they’re sending to people. Not everyone truly cares about how they make people feel. Or at least not enough to stop and think about what they’re saying and doing and adapt and make changes in order to be better.

I used to think it was a curse. To constantly have those thoughts. And in some ways, maybe it is a little bit. But I’m growing to appreciate it. I’ve learned to hone it in a little more (this is always a work in progress). I’m learning how to use it to be brutally honest with myself. Because I’ve realized that constantly answering the question of ‘Am I being fair to this person?’ with a ‘yes’ without ACTUALLY thinking about it isn’t helpful to anyone. I’m learning how to take a step back from my life and look at it as objectively as possible. And I’ve discovered that sometimes, the answer to that question is ‘no’. And that I need to change that. I’m growing to appreciate the fact that the analyzing and reanalyzing gives me an opportunity to notice things that are wrong. Inherently wrong. Things that need to be corrected. Amends that need to be made. And bad habits that need to be more consciously thought about in order to break.

It forces me to think, more objectively, about what message I’m sending to people around me. And to correct it if it’s not the one that I want to be sending. It gives me a chance to make sure that the message that I’m sending is one of inclusion. Of validity. One that says: You matter. Your feelings are valid. Your concerns are important. I’m listening. I care. And I want to help. One that says: I’ve been there, I get it. Or I’ve never experienced that and I wish you didn’t have to either. But since you are, I’ll sit here in the dirt with you until you feel like getting up.

Because it’s all true. You are worthy of forgiveness. Without having to earn it. Spoiler alert: There’s only one person’s forgiveness that truly matters, and He doesn’t withhold it from you, no matter how badly you screwed up. You deserve apologies when someone says or does hurtful things to you. You won’t always get them. But you still deserve them. It’s never okay for anyone to trample over your feelings. And no one is better than you. Your concerns are important (no matter what they are). Your feelings are valid (no matter what they are). You do matter. It’s. All. True.