Revolution

In some ways, the first deployment was worse than I thought, and in some ways, it wasn’t as bad as I thought. I survived. Which is more than I could have hoped for. I thought for sure I was going to die the minute he stepped on the ship, but I didn’t. I made it. But, at the same time, after the first month passed and I didn’t die, I never anticipated it getting as hard as it did. I didn’t expect it to wear on me that much.

However, I learned something that changed my perspective of things, the way I handled things, and, essentially my life. I’m not even sure what “virtue” it would fall under.

Before Steve left for deployment, and while he was gone, I would get upset with him fairly easily, and over very small, unimportant things. And, I’ll admit it, in writing, to all of you—often over things he couldn’t even really control. Not my most proud moments.

Throughout the course of the deployment, I realized how valuable time was, and how stupid it was to waste it arguing. I began to realize that I wasn’t helping anyone by becoming upset so easily. And I realized that I didn’t want to do it anymore. Thus started a new way of life for me. I vowed to myself to try not to get upset with Steve over anything—especially not something that was stupid, and small and unimportant.

I think God was testing me on this to make sure that I was really serious about it, because it was only a few days later that I found out that Steve had started smoking—a habit he had picked up a while ago, but just never told me about, knowing that I wouldn’t be happy with him. I was a little upset at first, but I kept repeating my vow to not get upset and after a few minutes, I wasn’t really mad anymore.

I could see within a matter of days the difference it made in our relationship, and in who I am. And it was WONDERFUL. Steve and I very rarely argue about anything anymore, because I rarely get mad about stuff, and if I’m not mad, he doesn’t get mad. It is awesome. I love it. I still work on keeping that vow, although sometimes I fall through the cracks and get mad about something stupid. It doesn’t take long before I remember that I don’t want to be mad about anything and snap out of it, though.

After a matter of days, all the wear and tear from the deployment melted away, and I was on, what could be considered the road to recovery. I was finally able to function again without wanting to just curl into a ball under the covers and stay there for the rest of my life. I no longer had to deal with the separation and the lack of communication. It was fixed—for the time being anyway.

What happened next was completely unpredictable. It hit me out of nowhere.