(This is another break from my military life story. I seem to be struggling with how exactly to write about the “Afghanistan deployment”. I have it mostly written out, but can’t quite decide how I want to finish it.)
Tomorrow (today) Steve leaves for training for 10 days. I have to leave for work early in the morning, and shortly after, he will be leaving for the cities to board an airplane to Ohio. Which means I won’t see him at all for almost two weeks. I realize that it is Ohio, and not Afghanistan, but I’m still completely dreading this. I know that I have endured far worse, but it is still something that I don’t want to have to go through.
He came home from Afghanistan less than a year ago, and since then, we haven’t been away from each other for more than 40 hours. And the one time we were away from each other for 36 hours, I was awake until 3am because I couldn’t sleep without him there. It’s funny how I spent 4 years at opposite ends of the country as him, and 14 months at opposite sides of the world as him, and yet I am dreading him going somewhere that is within a days drive of where I will be, and only for 10 days.
It’s hard to imagine life without him—even if it is only temporary. I have gotten so used to coming home and either finding him already there, or knowing that he is on his way. I have grown accustomed to falling asleep in his arms and being able to cuddle up next to him any time I want. I was convinced that the last goodbye before his deployment, was, in fact, the last goodbye that I would have to endure.
Oddly enough, right now, my heart is aching, and I have already found myself trying to hold back tears. Even though I know that it is only for 10 days and that I will live, I can’t seem to convince my heart that this is only short-term. I can’t seem to convince my heart that this will be a “piece of cake” compared to the past good-byes. All of the emotion and heart-wrenching thought of letting him go, has come flooding back, and has my heart thinking that this good-bye will be just like the so many before it, and just as difficult.
I’m not sure how I will feel come tomorrow. Although, my guess is that I won’t really notice it until I get home and find that he isn’t there, and isn’t coming home. I am hoping that I will be able to sleep, even without his arms wrapped around me, and without being able to kiss him goodnight, but I’m thinking it’s not likely. So, my other hope, is that God grants me the same amount of adrenaline as I had when I was in school, so I can continue to run efficiently on minimal sleep.
In many ways I hate myself for even thinking that this is going to be difficult. But when you’ve had to deal with devastating good-bye after devastating good-bye, all of them seem like the end of the world—even when they’re not. So, hopefully I will be able to convince my heart that all will be okay, and that this good-bye isn’t going to be as difficult as all those previous ones. And hopefully my heart is as strong as it was just a few short months ago…
Well, it seems that it has been some time since this post, and he's probably back from training. How did it go?
ReplyDeleteJames is leaving for training for a week on Sunday and I TOTALLY hear you. I'm dreading it. I'm worried about sleeping. I'm worried about being THAT WIFE who drops him off at the airport and just bawls when he leaves. All of those ridiculous things. I know that everything will be just fine with him gone for a week, but it will be weird. And probably a little lonely.