Fearless

“So, like, what’s going on with your book, Kayla?”

I ask myself that question multiple times a day. Since the last time I mentioned my book, I recruited a few more people to read it and the feedback has been (mostly) positive. Full of constructive criticism and encouragement. It still needs a lot of work, which is to be expected. While “winging” things has become a part of my daily life and I’ve gotten relatively good at it, writing a book isn’t exactly something you can “wing” and have it come out a-okay the first time around.

I haven’t worked on (or even looked at) it or any other projects in oh, 4(?) months? Mostly because: tax season. But also because I’ve been undecided on where to go next.

Writing takes a lot of time. Like. A lot. And even when you’re not actively working on it, you’re still working on it because your brain is still writing even when you aren’t (or at least that’s been my experience).

I feel like I’m currently at a crossroads with one direction being “keep at it, but then you’re all in, you’re working it until completion” and the other direction being “just let it go, but then that’s it. LET. IT. GO.”

I think the majority of the struggle comes in that I’m not really a quitter so my instinct is to keep going. But at the same time, I feel like that would be taking the easy way out. Yes, you read that right. And yes, I meant what I said (typed?). Continuing to work the story would be the easy way out.

Confused? Good. Now we’re on the same page.

In my first blogpost about my book, I mentioned that I learned some things about myself and that I had a desire to get back to the fearless person I once was. And that feeling has continued to grow inside of me. I’ve started doing some things to get me back there, but there’s definitely still a long ways to go.

Much like reading, writing is an escape from real life. Whether you mean it to be or not. When you read, you can transport yourself into the shoes of the characters and pretend to be in their life, rather than your own. Writing is the same, except to an even higher degree because not only do you see the story exactly as it is meant to be seen (rather than as your interpretation of what someone else dictates you to see) but you also get to control EVERYTHING. What people look like. What they do. What they say. What the overall outcome of their actions are. You get to determine everything. And if you don’t like how something pans out, all you have to do is hit delete a few times and type something new to change it. It’s great. Unrealistic when compared to reality. But great. As a result, it’s so easy to just check out of your own life and create (and live in) an alternate reality for a while. And while that sounds appealing at times, it’s easy. It’s easy to write about who you with you were, the things you wish you were doing, the kind of life you wish you were living. Much easier than actually going out and making yourself into that person and doing those things.

As someone who has never had many close friends and has struggled to make friends at all for most of my adult life, it’s easy to spend all of my spare time at home lost in writing where I can create my own friends to accompany the character modeled after who I want to be (Does that make me sound like I belong in a looney bin?). But is that really what I want? Not really. I mean, it’s great at times, and for a little while, but I don’t really want to just sit around and lose myself in an alternate reality. I want to go out there and create my own reality. Live life. Live it fearlessly. And live it in a way that the characters in the books I read and write would with they lived in my reality instead of the other way around.

I vowed in the middle of tax season when it was all I could do to make sure I ate something occasionally and got enough sleep to survive justonemoreday, that this summer was going to be my summer of adventure. That I was going to go places. Do things. Weekly.

So far I’ve been off to a slow start on my summer of adventure. Because: adult responsibility and dogs who are accident prone and need staples annually. But I’ve got some weekend get-a-ways and other things on my calendar that are HAPPENING that I’m really excited about and some more ideas that have been tossed around that I’m hoping fall into place. And I’m just plain excited about it all. Giddy even. And the more I add to my calendar, the more I want to pile more on top of it. To keep the momentum going. To keep pushing myself further outside of my comfort zone and into fearlessness. To not be hindered by “buts” and “what if’s” but instead be looking toward the “what nexts”. To go out and make new friends and just love living and the people who happen to be experiencing those moments with me, whether I actually know them or whether they are just strangers who happen to be in the same place at the same time.

Do you have something you’ve always wanted to do? Somewhere you’ve always wanted to go but no one has wanted to do it/go with you? Just need a break from life and need someone to go on an adventure with? Sign me up. Let’s do it together. I’ve got room for lots more adventure. It’s summer. It’s time to stop hiding from life and live it. Fully. Fearlessly.

“Wait, wait, wait. So, where does that leave you in regards to the initial question in this blogpost, Kayla?”

Honestly? Still at the fork in the road…