Tables or Fences

“When you have more than you need, build a longer table, not a higher fence.”

Not an original quote. There’s a good chance you’ve heard or read it before. Not really even a new concept – although one that CAN be difficult to remember to live by.

When we purchased our house 5 years ago, it was more than we needed. Still is. At 4300 square feet, with 4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, 2 basements and a bonus space, we don’t even really use ½ of it. But, the price was right. It met a variety of criteria that we were looking for that we couldn’t really find in any other home – the extra space was kind of just a bonus. And, I figured, we would find some way to fill the space. Eventually. And hopefully not with just ‘stuff’.

My vision for how to fill the space (despite the obvious of just filling it with children) has changed numerous times over the past 5 years and likely will continue to change. My original dream (and quite a lofty one at that) was to use part of it as a bed & breakfast. How fun would that be?! That dream was fairly short lived when I considered all of the things to do around here and realize there was nothing and therefore, probably wouldn’t be much of a client base for a bed and breakfast.

My second, perhaps loftier, vision hinged on finding some way to get Scott McGillivray from HGTV’s “Income Property” to come help me convert part of my house into a rental space. Obviously, that was a no go too.

I’ve considered foreign exchange students or becoming a foster parent, but the thought of being responsible for other humans kind of terrifies me. I barely feel like an adult who can take care of myself – let alone someone else!

I’m not sure where my desire to do things like this came from. Perhaps my aunt who, I’m pretty sure, hasn’t gone longer than 6 months without and ‘extra’ in her house in probably the last 10 years. Or, maybe from the initial quote at the beginning of this post which has stuck in my mind since I first read it 3 years ago. Or, maybe it’s because I don’t have a lot of confidence in my ability to achieve my own goals and dreams but am all about finding any way to help others achieve theirs (that’s perhaps a topic for another blogpost, though). Or, maybe it’s a little of all three.

My most recent vision for our extra space – and my most achievable vision to date – is to open it up to other adults. People who can take care of themselves. I’ve made the offer to a handful of people – that we have space, they can live with us. Some were looking to move, but needed somewhere they could stay for a while. Some had found themselves roommateless and weren’t sure where that would leave them. Some were facing uncertain financial futures and weren’t sure how they would continue to pay rent. While I have made the offer to numerous people, none of them have taken me up on it. Until now. Within the next few days, one of Steve’s Marine Corps buddies, will be moving into one of our extra bedrooms and staying for an undetermined amount of time. Until he decides what he wants to do. Whether he wants the move here to be a permanent one. Ironically, he is the very first one we ever made this offer to – about 3 years ago. He had always said he was going to take us up on it, but I don’t think I ever believed it would really happen. So, we will be adding another chair to our table – for a while, anyway. And, honestly? I’m kind of excited about it.

But, can I just move on to the last part of that quote for a minute (I guess you can’t really stop me, can you?). I feel like it’s easy to know and understand what it means to build a longer table. To invite people. To open our homes – and our hearts – to those around us. But I feel like the fence thing can be easy to just push to the side. In today’s world, where there’s talk about walls separating countries, I think it’s easy to read that and only picture an actual physical fence.

Our property didn’t come with a fence. The only one we’ve installed is the underground one that keeps my dog in the yard (most of the time, anyway). And we have no intention of ever installing one. But yet, I find that I have to constantly remind myself to not build that higher fence.

When you have more than you need, as the quote says, you can easily fall into the trap of building a higher fence without even realizing you’re doing it. By buying the newest, flashiest vehicle. By buying new ‘toys’ (the expensive grown-up kind). By buying the newest gadgets. Or making everyone around your feel like they need to chase you. To climb your ‘fence’ that you keep adding onto and changing and upgrading and making bigger and better.

I’ve been there. The one trying to climb the fence. The one constantly trying to make sure my fence looks okay compared to my neighbor’s fence. The one trying to keep up with the ones who are trying to keep up with the Jones’. It’s exhausting. It’s discouraging. And it’s not where I want to be anymore. Because I realized that it only adds to the lineup. It makes me build my fence. And makes people around me want to try to climb my fence – want to make their fence look as nice as mine. People who also find it exhausting and discouraging. I’m trying desperately to break the cycle. Sometimes I fall off the wagon and try to start building my fence again, but then my neighbors with the higher fence remind me that that’s not who I want to be and I go back to trying to build my table instead.

Stop exhausting yourselves trying to build your fence and come sit at my table instead. I’d love to have to add another chair. Or another leaf. Or even a second table.