Not Easy

               “They” say that nothing in life worth having comes easy. Which, apparently is supposed to provide us with comfort, or something, while we struggle. It doesn’t though. Provide us comfort. Or at least it doesn’t for me.

               Honestly, I’ve been struggling lately. With life. With my future. With this journey I’m on.

               When I started with this journey of trying to take back my life. With trying to recreate who I am or maybe regress back to who I was 10 years ago, I certainly didn’t expect it to be easy. I didn’t expect it to be something that would happen overnight. It took 10 years for me to even notice that I had become someone different. I knew better than to expect it to happen right away.

               And changing yourself – intentionally changing yourself? It’s not easy. Trying to retrain your way of thinking. Unlearn learned behaviors. FORCE yourself out of your comfort zone over and over and over again? It’s not easy. It’s not “normal”. It’s a constant uphill battle. A constant struggle between your old self and your new self. But I KNEW that would be the case. I was ready for it. I know it would be worth the battle.

               But what I wasn’t really ready for? Getting to the root of why I change in the first place. Figuring out why my thinking is the way it is. Why I learned the behaviors that I now want to unlearn. It can be painful to explore these things. And like a scab, the more you pick at it, the more you keep bleeding until pretty soon, you’ve come to the realization that maybe it’s not just your brain that needs retraining, but maybe you need new skin too. Or else you have to figure out how to fit your scar ridden old skin into your new self without letting the constant visual reminder of your scars override your attempts at creating your new self.

               It had never occurred to me that this journey would lead me to having to reevaluate decisions of made in my life. To consider the possibility of having to make new major decisions and change things about my life that I had assumed would somehow just conform into the “new me” without issue.

               I’m not sure why this didn’t occur to me. I mean, it only makes sense, right? That the “new me” that I’m trying to get to might have to part ways with some of the decisions that “old me” made – life altering or not? Things that the previous version of myself was just fine with allowing to happen. Things that I used to just sit back and think ‘oh well’. Things that the newer version of me says ‘this is not okay’ or ‘this needs to change’.

               I wasn’t ready for that part of it, though. I’m still not sure I’m ready for that part. Sometimes I think I’m getting closer but then fear, anxiety, and the thought ‘what the h-e-double hockey sticks am I doing?’ comes for me and I just get stuck. And unfortunately, it’s not a very pleasant place to BE stuck. Staring at the things that are beating you down, kicking you while you’re down and then waiting for you to stand back up so they can do it again. But too paralyzed with fear and uncertainty and lack of confidence in what your brain – and heart – are telling you to actually DO something. To actually run. To actually change.

               Nothing in life worth having comes easy. It doesn’t make me feel the slightest bit better. About anything. But at least I know I’m on the right path. Because it certainly isn’t easy.