Closed Doors

This is on my mind daily. Which should be reason enough to assume that means I’m supposed to do something about it. But yet, I remain frozen. Terrified. Unnerved. Trying to figure out “why” and “where do I go from here.”

A year ago I was comfortable with where I was in life. Sure, there were a lot of things that weren’t ideal Things that I would change if I could. (Aren’t there always?) But overall? I was comfortable. When I took a step back and really analyzed where I was, how my life ended up, I discovered that it was good. That all things considered, I hadn’t done too badly for myself.

And then, things started to change. Inexplicably. Things that I loved started to get tainted. They started to leave a bitter taste on my tongue and an uneasiness in my heart. Small things at first. Things that I could (mostly) take in stride. Vent about. Then take a deep breath and move on. But the small things started to pile up and turn into big things. Until I finally found myself in my current position. Feeling that I am being ushered – no – SHOVED right out of the doorway of the house of comfort I’ve been sitting in for years.

I’ve tried to dig in my heels. To resist it. But. I just. Keep. Getting. Shoved. The harder I dig in, the harder I get shoved. I dig in. I get shoved. And then, I settle into the new, less comfortable way things are. And I think “This is okay. I can handle this. It’s not THAT uncomfortable.” as I adjust my position so the elbow in my back is just a little bit more to the right. Then, when I think I’ve figured out a way to sit so I’m comfortable (enough), another elbow pops up. And another. And another. And, seriously, how many elbows does this guy have?! And then we graduate to feet. Because everyone knows you can push harder with your legs. So I get shoved further. And further. And harder.

Maybe I’m a little slow to figure things out. Maybe I’m a little stubborn. Maybe it’s a little bit of both. But I’m beginning to think that maybe there is someone who is sick of my ignorance and stubbornness and is taking matters into His own hands.

The more I think about it, though, the more I wonder – is it really that I was content with life? Did I really think that everything was going just great? Or is it just that I was comfortable where I was because the place I ended up became like home to me? Because I had been there so long. That I knew what to expect. What was going on. Maybe it’s just that things were familiar.

I am also kind of coming to believe that maybe God doesn’t LIKE it when we’re comfortable. Maybe it provides us too much opportunity to “slack off”. It can keep us from spending time developing our relationship with Him. Because everything is “just fine” as it is. No need to change anything. It keeps us from always striving for more. Maybe He shoves us to get us exploring more. Thinking more. Learning more. To get us to realize that we are capable. Of. MORE.  

And yet, it’s still SO HARD to take that step. We all know that the whole point of faith is that you don’t know what’s coming next and you just need to trust. But, let me tell you, when you’re nearing the edge of the cliff and you’ve got an infinite number of elbows and feet pushing you closer, it’s not easy. It’s terrifying. You have no idea what’s coming. All you can see is the edge of the cliff getting closer and closer and you can’t stop it no matter how hard you try. Maybe there’s a just a nice easy trail that winds its way down the side that will make you wonder why you were so terrified of the edge in the first place. Maybe there’s a series of landings that gradually stair step their way down requiring you to make some big leaps – not necessarily an easy way down, but not the worst either. Maybe you’ll get there and there will just be a sheer drop off and with the relentless elbows and feet at your back, you will just have to trust that when you start freefalling, someone will catch you.

The reality is, that we’re going over the edge one way or another. And I’m sure that God would really just appreciate it if we would go “okay, I see where you’re pointing me” and RUN, fearlessly, toward the edge, hurling ourselves off with reckless abandon and straight into the plan He’s had for us all along. But for those of us who are a little more stubborn, He’ll still get us there. He has no problem pushing us up to the edge and then just giving us a shove off. So that when we finally see what all the shoving was about we can marvel at the way that He STILL pulls through for us. Every. Time. The way that His plans for us turn out to be bigger than we could have ever imagined from our place of comfort. Always. And the way He doesn’t let our own stubbornness and fear keep us from His plan for our lives. Ever.