All In

               So, we’ll start out with a little bit of honesty here. A little bit of information that you might not know about me. A little something that might make your head spin a little.

               When we left the military life 8 years ago, I didn’t really want it to end. Yep. That’s right. Don’t feel bad that you have this look on your face like you think I’m actually crazy. I’m used to it. No hard feelings here.

               “Why not, Kayla?” Was it because I thought the mind games and constant uncertainty was peaceful and calming? No. Did I think the fear of what might happen to my husband while he was in places where people were literally out to kill him was exhilarating? Also no. Did I enjoy being away from him for months and months with intermittent communication that was sketchy at best and an ideal way to maintain a relationship? Not exactly. Did I think the long, tear filled goodbyes were SO. MUCH. FUN. that I never wanted them to end? Definitely not.

               So, what was it? That made me want to stay where I was at? Doing all of those things? Honestly, if you’ve never lived it, it’s hard to explain. And when you HAVE lived it – it’s still easy to forget.

               The homecomings and the time together is where it’s at. The homecomings that you see online – you know the ones. Military dads surprising their kids by showing up at their schools unexpectedly. Husbands somehow surprising their wives. Or dogs going completely bazerk over their owner coming home from deployment. The videos that make your heart SO HAPPY and your eyes pretty much instantly well up into tears because of all the emotion? And that just from watching videos of complete strangers. Can you imagine LIVING it? I can. Because I have. And basically, all the emotion you feel from watching the strangers? Multiply that time about 1000 and you might end up somewhere close to what it feels like to live it. But you can’t, really. Because you can’t really know what that feels like unless you’ve lived it. It’s unfathomable. But it’s amazing. And something I would I could explain in a way that everyone could understand it. And feel it. That feeling, you never forget.

               But that’s not all. The time that follows. The time that’s spent together is where it’s at too. But this is the part that’s easy to forget. When your time is limited, you live life a little differently. A little harder. A little more intentionally. Those dishes over there? They can wait. Those bills that probably should have been paid last week? They can wait a little longer too. Because all that matters is that you’re TOGETHER. Everything else is unimportant. Everything else.

               I never wanted to forget that. But I knew that I would. And I did. Life gets mundane when you see each other every day. You come home from work. You vent (or rave) about your day to each other and then you go about your own separate tasks and interests. Because the dishes need to be done and the bills need to be paid. And then you go to sleep, wake up and do it all over again. And some days, you just REALLY wish you had AT LEAST a weekend AWAY from that person because, frankly, they’re getting on your nerves. Or they’re in a bad mood or you’re in a bad mood (not just me, right? RIGHT?!) And life goes on. And you’re living. But you’re not really living. Because responsibilities, work, kids, and just plain on boring routine fill your life. I’ve said it before and I’ll continue to say it. Because I believe it’s true. And because I’ve witnessed it in my own life.

               A lot of times (there are exceptions, of course), the couples/families who spend less time together physically usually spend more time together mentally and emotionally than the couples/families who see each other every day. Because the little time they have together, they are ALL IN. They are present in every way possible. They don’t get sidetracked. Or lost in their own thoughts or their routine. Because they don’t want to waste a second of what little time they have.

               Now that I’ve found myself in a similar position – with being away from my husband for extended periods of time – people ask me how I feel about it. And I’m never quite sure what to say. I feel like if I say “I’m kind of excited about it”, they’d look at me like I’d sprouted a second head (again, not really that unusual). But I’m not sure ‘excited’ is the word I’d use anyway. I’m nervous. I’m terrified. I’m a little unsure of my own strength in this. But I’m also excited. Because a lifestyle like this is a game changer in your life and your relationship. It’s a challenge. But it’s worth it.