31 while 31 - A plan to live life better

               So, while we were on our road trip, we went ziplining. And while we were ziplining, there was a woman in our group that had created (kind of) a bucket list. It was a “50 before 50” list. She was turning 50 and she had made a list of 50 things she wanted to do before turning 50. Ziplining was one of the items on her list. Also on the list? Skydiving. She was doing that the next day. And, let.me.tell.you. She wasn’t just doing these things to check the box. Like, she was LIVING every moment. She was taking it ALLLLL in. She wasn’t letting one minute of fun pass her by in her quest to do. things. Her fearlessness and desire to live life fully was contagious.

               It inspired me to encourage a friend of mine (who shall remain nameless) who was turning 50 to do the same. It was a little short notice to do 50 things BEFORE turning 50, so we altered it and did 50 WHILE 50. I don’t know that she ever came up with 50 things – despite my incessant nagging – but she DID start a list. And once my life settles down a bit, my goal is to help her knock them out.

               THEN, while I was mentioning all of this to my friend Ashley (who was soon turning 30), she, out of the blue, sent me her list of “30 while 30”. And then, I got slightly bummed that I hadn’t done it for my 30^th birthday and that with work’s crazy season right around the corner, I wouldn’t have much time to quick squeeze 30 things in. However, I WILL say that with my 30^th year being deemed my “summer of adventure” it WAS one of the most fun and fulfilling years of my life – even without a list.

               ANYWAY, while I was wallowing in self-pity that I missed a milestone birthday to do something like this, Ashley, ever the optimist and out-of-the-box thinker, suggested I just do 31 while 31. Genius!

               And then I got to thinking. How FULL would our lives be if EVERY YEAR we did something like this? 32 while 32. 33 while 33. 34 while 34. Why does it have to be JUST a milestone birthday thing? OR a ‘whoops I missed my milestone birthday’ thing? Think of all the adventures you could have. All the things you could learn about yourself. About your abilities. About your interest. About other people. And about what this world has to offer. The possibilities are endless. And with interests that expand and change as you get older, the list could end up drastically different.

               SO, what are the rules? (As completely made up by me).

1.      Must be things that are ATTAINABLE. We want to have the ability to actually finish the list, after all.

2.      I won’t say it has to be all things you’ve never done before, but I think it should be things that are out of the ordinary for what you’d normally do. One or two “responsible” things are okay if they will make your life fuller in some way.

3.      At least one thing that scares you.

That’s it. Those three rules. Everything else is completely open. You can do anything, anywhere, with anyone. Curious about my list? Keep scrolling.

Full disclosure: This list was MUCH more difficult to come up with than I anticipated it to be. I honestly thought that I would breeze right through it. The first 10, I did. After that, it got more challenging.

Also full disclosure: I’m pretty sure a good chunk of the reason it was difficult had everything to do with the fact that it is tax season and I’m exhausted and right now I don’t want to do anything except sleep. Perhaps I will have to start on next year’s list before tax season and just stash it away until my birthday rolls around.

So, without further ado, here it is. My list:

1.      Go to a Backstreet Boys concert.

2.      Go to a Vikings game.

3.      Watch roller derby with Ashley.

4.      Hike 3 new parks.

5.      Bike a Minnesota State Trail with Steve and/or Allison.

6.      Have Allison teach me something new (paddleboarding, cross-country skiing, rock climbing, kickboxing).

7.      Go on a road trip with Steve and Indy.

8.      Edit #1 of Book #2.

9.      Go on a solo weekend.

10.   Take a cheap flight to anywhere with Allison.

11.   Repair relationships.

12.   Learn to drive the lawn mower.

13.   Be more observant and intentional in my friendships.

14.   Do a ropes course.

15.   Have a bonfire/yard party with friends.

16.   Do a lazy river (either an actual river, or at a waterpark).

17.   Go to a Mystery Dinner Theater.

18.   Find a dog park with Indy.

19.   Grow my table.

20.   Read 12 books.

21.   Wine-tasting.

22.   Get donuts from the Clearwater Truck Stop.

23.   Purge my house.

24.   Paint my bedroom.

25.   Create a travel list.

26.   Go to the horse races at Canterbury Park.

27.   Say YES to more invitations.

28.   Put 100+ miles on the bike.

29.   Kayaking!

30.   Learn how to make grandma’s slippers.

31.   Slow. Down. (Take time to enjoy the things around me instead of trying to rush through everything).

Change

               Change is hard. Really. It is. It is, by far, my biggest fear (there’s that word again!) Some people are scared of snakes. Spiders. Heights. Me? None of those. But change. Change is terrifying to me. IT’s not really the small changes that bother me – the changes in how something is done, how something looks, how something operates. I’m talking the major life changes. The ones where you better be dang sure that you are committed to because once you make the leap, there’s no going back. You’re adapting on the fly.

               I imagine I’m not the only one who feels that way about change, though. I don’t know a lot of people who are ALWAYS willing to dive headlong into change without even considering the cost of what gets left behind.

               I have felt change brewing in my life for a while now. And, honestly, it’s been mentally exhausting to me trying to calculate the costs. The benefits. The whats, the whys, and the whens. It’s largely the reason for my word – movement.

               The word movement was assigned to me, by God, via a friend. I truly believe that. And with a word like that, you can only assume there’s going to be lots of changes involved. BIG changes. Which only leads to more antagonizing myself over what. And when.

               Trust (which also seems to be a recurring theme in my life lately) is also hard. And terrifying. And sometimes a bit confusing.

               In my original post about my word for the year, I mentioned that I thought I knew what it meant but that every time I tried to move, it became very clear that the movement I was making was wrong. And I had kind of assumed that meant I was going in the wrong direction altogether. And, honestly, it kind of bothered me. Because I felt like all of these signs were pointing me down the path that I was supposed to take and that I was thing being told that I was going the wrong way. But then when I turned around and went back, the signs still pointed to the path I had started out on. See? Confusing.

               And, I will (slightly shamefully) admit that I kind of feel like I’ve been on this continuous loop for months. See? Exhausting.

               But I think the key. The true key. Is that I was missing the trust factor. Because sometimes it’s hard to remember that God hand delivers us where we’re supposed to be. Hand. Delivers. He doesn’t just point us in the right direction and give us a shove and wish us the best of luck. He points us down a path and then He fine tunes that path. The path gets narrower. Because there are other paths that branch off. And it’s THOSE paths that he shuts down.  It’s THOSE paths that He says ‘Nope, you’re not turning here.” And a lack of trust generates fear. And fear, which is designed to keep us complacent makes us throw our hands up in the air and say “Well then I’ll just go back to the beginning and hang out there.” Because it’s the one place that you know that you’re safe. That you won’t get lost. Or eaten by a mountain lion. But then we realize that even staying where we’re ‘safe’ is wrong. So we had back up the trail. Again.

               It’s easy to get frustrated. And to forget that we’re STILL POINTED IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION. And that just like real-life hiking paths, there are branches off of it that are NOT right. For us. So we have to go back. But not all the way back to the beginning. Just back to where we made a wrong turn. So we can try a different path. One that will actually lead us to the destination God has had in mind for us the whole time.

               It can be hard to remember that God had the ability. The desire. The will. To see us ALL the way through. That He doesn’t just leave us to stumble our way through the woods, tripping over logs or getting lost. We just have to maintain trust – that He is hand delivering us exactly where we’re supposed to be. And that, sometimes, that means removing ALL other options. Even ones that look like they lead in the right direction. ESPECIALLY ones that look like they lead in the right direction. Because those are the ones we’re most likely to go down. And the ones we’re most likely to get lost on.

               Change is scary. Terrifying. Exhausting. It can challenge our trust. But maybe it’s meant to. The only way to build trust is to see things ALL the way through. And see that promises were kept. That our best interests were ALWAYS priority. And that all the directional signs and dropped bread crumbs WEREN’T misguiding us. But were keeping us pointed in the right direction. So we could make it to our TRUE destination. Our TRUE purpose. Instead of just ‘kind of in the general area.’

               Trust that you’re not lost. Just being hand delivered on a path you never would have chosen yourself because you couldn’t see the end. And where it leads. Trust enough to just. keep. moving.

All In

               So, we’ll start out with a little bit of honesty here. A little bit of information that you might not know about me. A little something that might make your head spin a little.

               When we left the military life 8 years ago, I didn’t really want it to end. Yep. That’s right. Don’t feel bad that you have this look on your face like you think I’m actually crazy. I’m used to it. No hard feelings here.

               “Why not, Kayla?” Was it because I thought the mind games and constant uncertainty was peaceful and calming? No. Did I think the fear of what might happen to my husband while he was in places where people were literally out to kill him was exhilarating? Also no. Did I enjoy being away from him for months and months with intermittent communication that was sketchy at best and an ideal way to maintain a relationship? Not exactly. Did I think the long, tear filled goodbyes were SO. MUCH. FUN. that I never wanted them to end? Definitely not.

               So, what was it? That made me want to stay where I was at? Doing all of those things? Honestly, if you’ve never lived it, it’s hard to explain. And when you HAVE lived it – it’s still easy to forget.

               The homecomings and the time together is where it’s at. The homecomings that you see online – you know the ones. Military dads surprising their kids by showing up at their schools unexpectedly. Husbands somehow surprising their wives. Or dogs going completely bazerk over their owner coming home from deployment. The videos that make your heart SO HAPPY and your eyes pretty much instantly well up into tears because of all the emotion? And that just from watching videos of complete strangers. Can you imagine LIVING it? I can. Because I have. And basically, all the emotion you feel from watching the strangers? Multiply that time about 1000 and you might end up somewhere close to what it feels like to live it. But you can’t, really. Because you can’t really know what that feels like unless you’ve lived it. It’s unfathomable. But it’s amazing. And something I would I could explain in a way that everyone could understand it. And feel it. That feeling, you never forget.

               But that’s not all. The time that follows. The time that’s spent together is where it’s at too. But this is the part that’s easy to forget. When your time is limited, you live life a little differently. A little harder. A little more intentionally. Those dishes over there? They can wait. Those bills that probably should have been paid last week? They can wait a little longer too. Because all that matters is that you’re TOGETHER. Everything else is unimportant. Everything else.

               I never wanted to forget that. But I knew that I would. And I did. Life gets mundane when you see each other every day. You come home from work. You vent (or rave) about your day to each other and then you go about your own separate tasks and interests. Because the dishes need to be done and the bills need to be paid. And then you go to sleep, wake up and do it all over again. And some days, you just REALLY wish you had AT LEAST a weekend AWAY from that person because, frankly, they’re getting on your nerves. Or they’re in a bad mood or you’re in a bad mood (not just me, right? RIGHT?!) And life goes on. And you’re living. But you’re not really living. Because responsibilities, work, kids, and just plain on boring routine fill your life. I’ve said it before and I’ll continue to say it. Because I believe it’s true. And because I’ve witnessed it in my own life.

               A lot of times (there are exceptions, of course), the couples/families who spend less time together physically usually spend more time together mentally and emotionally than the couples/families who see each other every day. Because the little time they have together, they are ALL IN. They are present in every way possible. They don’t get sidetracked. Or lost in their own thoughts or their routine. Because they don’t want to waste a second of what little time they have.

               Now that I’ve found myself in a similar position – with being away from my husband for extended periods of time – people ask me how I feel about it. And I’m never quite sure what to say. I feel like if I say “I’m kind of excited about it”, they’d look at me like I’d sprouted a second head (again, not really that unusual). But I’m not sure ‘excited’ is the word I’d use anyway. I’m nervous. I’m terrified. I’m a little unsure of my own strength in this. But I’m also excited. Because a lifestyle like this is a game changer in your life and your relationship. It’s a challenge. But it’s worth it.

MOVEMENT

               So, apparently there’s this “thing” where you choose a word that you want to define your year. Almost kind of a modern day “New Year’s Resolution. Except instead of very specific goals that (let’s be real) you’ll probably fail at, you just choose something that you want to progressively work on throughout the course of the next year. Some people are seriously all about this word choosing. Some people, it seems, are anti-word choosing. Me? I’m somewhere in the middle. If you want to, do it. If you don’t? Don’t.

               I inadvertently chose a word for myself last year (fearless). I didn’t even know this was a “thing” when I chose it. And I’m pretty sure I chose it like in April. I didn’t really have any intention of choosing a word for myself this year. Because in a lot of ways, I feel like my word is still “fearless” and it seems silly to pick the same word two years in a row (even though I didn’t really know I was picking it when I did). As I thought about it more, though, I realized that a word kind of chose me.

               A few months ago, my friend (who is DIALED IN) told me a few months ago that God gave her a word for my life. The word? Movement. She doesn’t know exactly what it means for my life and, frankly, neither do I. I thought I did. I thought I had it all figured out. And I was EXCITED about it. Like, REALLY excited. So I started moving in the direction I thought I was supposed to go. But then God seemed to close every door I tried to move through. So, ironically, I am spending the first part of my year of “movement” in waiting to see which way I am supposed to go.

               I have other option – options that can still fall in line with the signs that I THOUGHT I had been receiving. But they are both options that would be completely uncharacteristic of me. And, therefore, options that terrify me – proof that my journey to fearlessness is still a work in progress.

               I’m growing increasingly curious about where this “word” might take me. I have ideas. I have inklings. And I continue to think of new areas of my life that could have movement. There are so many ways in can be interpreted. And so many areas of my life that can (and already are) supporting movement right out of the gate this year. But if I learned anything last year, it’s that our plans and visions for our lives are sometimes not what God’s plan and vision for our lives are. And that He can take a “word” and transform it into different and MORE ways than what we had envisioned.

               So, despite the fact that I am dreaming about “movement” in my life and what I think that looks like, I’m not closing my mind to the belief that it could be something much different than what I’m dreaming. Something MORE than what I’m dreaming. In fact, there’s a feeling deep down that KNOWS that it WILL be. And there’s a little fear in that. I won’t deny it. But I know that once things start moving, it’s not likely that they will stop until they are moved exactly where they are supposed to be. So I’ve just got to hold on for the ride and see where this new year and new journey take me.

Year In Review - Part 2

               When I committed to my journey towards fearlessness, I mostly meant in regards to my relationships with people. There was a time in my life that I would talk to anyone about anything. I was outgoing. I was conversational. And somewhere throughout the course of my life, that changed. I didn’t realize it when I started my pursuit of fearlessness, but I discovered along the way that the change largely had to do with things that had happened to me. Hurt I had experienced. That closed me off to people around me. And while that part is definitely something I’m still working through, and probably will be for a long time, looking back on the past year, I think I’ve come along way on my journey to fearlessness – in relationships anyway.

               There were a few things that I wasn’t expecting when I started this journey, though. A few things I learned.

               The first thing, is how much the fearless mentality would influence my life as a whole. The attitude spilled over into other aspects of my life. Not JUST relationships. I’ve more or less adopted the “all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage and something great will come of it” way of thinking. (See the movie “We Bought A Zoo” for more info on this.) Am I truly fearless? Heck no. I do things that terrify my all the time. And I used to back down from them. But now? I think, “20 seconds of insane courage” and I DO them (most of the time). Does it really only take 20 seconds? Most of the time, yes. Because in 20 seconds (or, most of the time, less) you can COMMIT to something. And once you’re committed, there’s a good chance you’re doing it. Going ziplining? 20 seconds to enter your credit card info and pay for it. And I’ll be danged if I just paid $150 to chicken out! Run into someone with Minnesota license plates in a random state on vacation? 20 seconds to strike up a conversation with them find out where they’re from and maybe make some new friends. Need to have a tough conversation with someone that you’re total dreading? 20 seconds to set up a date and time to get it done. All it takes is 20 seconds of insane courage. And you’d be surprised how easy it is to muster up that 20 seconds when you look at it that way. It’s changed my life. Sure there are still times that I fail at remembering my “20 seconds” and just chicken out, but it’s a work in progress. And it’s something that has allowed me to experience life more fully than ever before.

               The other thing that I wasn’t really expecting, was how much I would be called to BE fearless. Even when I didn’t want to be. I won’t lie. I went into this thinking that I would teach myself to be fearless like I used to be – but on my OWN terms. That I would be the one dictating what that looked like, where it happened, and when it happened, which is good in theory, but we all know God doesn’t operate like that. No. He says, “okay, if this is what you want, we’re going to perfect it. We’re going to make it bulletproof.” And in order to do that, it needs to be tested. Again. And again. And again. And in different capacities. In your relationships. In the work you do. In the physical sense. In your smaller day-to-day decisions. And in your huge major life decisions. It’s gotta be tested EVERYWHERE. Multiple times. And tested it has been. It’s certainly not bulletproof yet, though. Because I can still see where I’m being pushed a little bit further, but the fear still holds me back. It’s still a work in progress. And something that I will continue with going into next year.

               While these lessons were unexpected and difficult at times, I’m so glad for what this journey turned into for me. It’s amazing where a quick thought, a nagging idea, and the pursuit of a (seemingly) outrageous and totally random vision has led me. And how it has changed my life. From living a passive life because of fear, to living a full, fearless life. 20 seconds of courage at a time.

Year in Review - Part 1

               So, I’ve been fairly neglectful of this blog as of late. And I don’t even know that I have a really good reason for it. I’ve still been writing. Working on my travel blog a little more. Trying to get back into working on the novels/ideas for novels I’ve got in the works. And, I’ve even written some posts that belong here, in this space. But for some reason, they just didn’t make it this far. Some of them may find their way here eventually. Others my forever be confined to pen on paper. Either way, now you’re going to get bombarded with a series of posts (because it’s the end of the year/start of a new year).

               I want to start with a few things that I learned this year (broken into two separate posts). It also happens to be a brief synopsis of some of the “blog posts” that were written, but never found their way here:

1.      One of the things I’ve learned that I feel has been most prominent in my life as of late, is how much people can surprise you. I’ve found myself surprised by a number of people in my life (some good, some bad, some still to be determined). I’ve learned hard lessons through people who I THOUGHT had my best interests at heart. People I thought I could trust, but shouldn’t have. People who fed me lines to pacify me, but whose actions showed true colors. But then, almost as a peace offering, I’ve learned that some people, who I have known for years, but just never taken the time to pursue a friendship with, are actually pretty cool people. People who genuinely care. Who want to help. And who have seemingly come out of the woodwork – for such a time as this – to provide support, and renew hope. People can ALWAYS surprise you. Sometimes for the good. Sometimes for the bad. But either way, there are lessons to be learned.

2.      God gives you the relationship and friendships you need, when you need them most. Truthfully this is something I’ve known for a long time. But this is a year in which I’ve witnessed it frequently and been reminded of it multiple times. My heart has been overwhelmed with the quality of friends that God has provided me with and the new relationships that have transpired, both through those friends, and through completely spontaneous interactions. This past year was not an easy one for me – especially the last six months of it – but in a lot of ways, I’ve never felt fuller. And I’m certain it has everything to do with the friends I have that help hold me together.   

3.      The hurt and suffering we experience is not for nothing. This is also something that I’ve known for a long time. But I don’t know that I’ve ever hit a point in my life where I’ve gone “THAT’S why.” Where I’ve been able to look back and see all of the pieces line up that brought me where I needed to be, when I needed to be there, with the knowledge and words I needed when I got there. It makes the pain, and perseverance worthwhile. But I’ve also learned that you have to be willing to share your story with others. Because having all of the experience, knowledge, and wisdom in the world does you no good, unless you’re willing to share it with those who are seeking what you’re able to offer them.

4.      Rarely do things turn out how you expect them do. Sometimes they’re better. Sometimes they’re worse. Sometimes you have absolutely no idea whether they’re better or worse – they’re just different. And acceptance of those differences can be hard (or easy, depending on which way it goes) to come to grips with. And sometimes it takes a while for it to happen. And that’s okay. Things don’t have to be resolved overnight. It’s okay if they take time.

Never assume you know people. Never underestimate God’s ability to give you the people you need, when you need them. Make sure that your pain has a purpose – SHARE YOUR STORY. 

Journeys and Journals

So, a few months ago, my friend and I played a fun game of “what would we be doing if we weren’t doing what we’re doing.” I’m sure you’ve played, at least with yourself, before. But you know what makes it even a little more fun? When you play with someone else and let THEM pick your new career. But there are rules, of course.

1. They have to pick something that they could legitimately see you doing. Something THEY think YOU would be good at.

2. Money is a non-issue. Meaning this is strictly for enjoyment purposes. You don’t have to worry about a mortgage or bills or food or anything. We’re just going to assume that what is picked for you will earn you enough to pay for (at least) your current lifestyle.

The part that makes it more fun to play with someone else is:

1. It removes our own tainted view of what we’d be “good at”. It removes the thinking. When we try to pick for ourselves, we’re always thinking logically – can I get a job like that where I am? Do I need to go back to school? Will it pay enough? Even if it’s just for fun, your views are still skewed by such questions. When you let someone else pick, they’re not.

2. You get to discover what other people see in you that maybe you don’t see in yourself. What others thing you would be good at and what others think you are capable of.

SO, for her (currently a banker) I assigned her the new job of party/event planning. Because she’s a rock star at such things. As far as I’m aware, she’s never done it for money – just for family and friends’ weddings/babies/etc. But she nails it. She’s the one you want to plan your party because she goes all out.

For me (currently an accountant) she assigned me the new job of journalist (originally) and when I (probably very rudely) laughed at the suggestion and tried to guide her more towards “travel planner.” She settled on “travel journalist”. So, there you have it, folks. If I wasn’t an accountant AND money was no object, I would be a travel journalist.  

Unfortunately, money IS an object which means I won’t likely be quitting my day job as an accountant anytime soon. HOWEVER, a girl can dream and while this is not even (kind of) an attempt making a beeline toward my “new career.” I HAVE decided to start a new blog. Travel related. Where I talk about places I’ve been (starting with my trip to Oregon), places I want to go, what goes on inside the mind of a travel journalist at heart and who knows what else. The posts on that blog will likely be less regular because, like I said, money IS a factor, and travelling is expensive. But, who knows where it might lead. Worst case scenario, I have my trip documented for my future self to read.

Of course this blog will continue to be the home to my posts about my personal life/struggles/learnings, but I will also have my travel blog. SO, if you’re interested in reading entries from my wanderlustful mind and seeing pictures from my wanderlustful eyes, check out my new blog at www.journeysandjournals.org. Send your friends. Send your family. Send anyone you think might be interested in learning more about areas I’ve been or areas I’m hoping to go to.