The Truth.

 I’m an overthinker. An overanalyzer. Every conversation I have. Every interaction I have. I analyze it. And then reanalyze it. (I know I’m not the only one out there). I used to think it was a curse. It can be exhausting to constantly have thoughts that run in the background of your mind asking questions like: Am I being fair to this person? Am I treating them with respect? What message am I sending them with my words and with my actions? Am I sending a message that tells them that I think I’m better than them without realizing it? Am I sending a message that says their concerns or their problems or their feelings are silly or not valid? Am I somehow being judgmental or hurtful? Or am I sending the message that they’re being heard? That they’re right to be hurt or concerned? That I want to help them? That I can relate…or if I can’t that I wish I could?

I’ve discovered that the older I get, and the more interactions I have with people, the more I analyze and reanalyze. I find people fascinating. There’s people who have been raised in horrible environments with horrible role models who turn out to be the most kind, successful, humble people you’ve ever met. There’s people who’ve been raised in loving, (seemingly) perfect homes and ideal environments, who end up being bitter and angry. There’s siblings who were raised by the same parents in the same manner that end up being total opposites from each other in almost every way possible.

I like to observe people. And to interact with them. And to figure out what kind of people they are. What makes them tick. And every time I walk away from a conversation with anyone – a friend, a regular acquaintance, or a complete stranger – I always pull something from that interaction. And usually it’s a ‘Man, I wish I was more like that’ kind of something. Or else it’s a ‘I hope if I’m ever like that someone slaps me upside the head and tells me to quit it’ kind of something. And I’ll be the first to admit that first impressions aren’t always correct. Truth be told, I’ve had a lot of times in my life where my initial reaction is ‘I don’t like this person’ and I’m pretty sure every time I’ve said that, God has stepped in and said ‘Well, lucky you. Now that person is going to be your new best friend.’ And they are. So I’ve given up trying to even fight it. I meet someone I don’t really like right off the bat and just shrug say ‘Hey new best friend what kinda hobbies you got’ (not literally, but you catch my drift).

Anyway, back to the point. Every interaction leads me to more realizations about the kinds of people that exist in the world. Giving me more things to analyze in my conversations and my actions. More thoughts about what I can do to make sure I’m becoming the best version of myself. To adapt to the things I see in people that make them a ‘good’ or ‘pleasant’ person. And to avoid or correct the things that I see in people that make me not want to be like them. It gives me more chances to analyze how I interact with people. How I respond to them. And whether I’m being ‘fair’ to them. Or whether I’m sending messages that are making them go ‘Oof. I hope I’m not like her.’

Something that I’ve realized over the last few years (or maybe I realized it before, but have just been forced to deal with it more) is that there’s a segment of the population that believes themselves to be a cut above the rest. They get to determine whether the words they said were hurtful to you. Spoiler alert: They weren’t. And you’re silly for even mentioning that they might be. They get to determine whether you are worthy of their forgiveness for any type of wrongdoing as well as what kinds of things you have to do to earn it. Spoiler alert: You’ll never be worthy of their forgiveness. But they’ll still make you try to earn it. Just because. They also get to determine whether THEY are worthy of YOUR forgiveness. Spoiler alert: They are. Always. And they don’t even have to offer an apology in order to receive it. They get to determine whether your feelings or concerns are valid. Spoiler alert: They’re not. They never are. They get to place blame. They get to make the rules (all of them). They get to exclude themselves from said ‘rules’. They get to trample over people’s emotions without even batting an eye or feeling the slightest bit of remorse. Because they’re just ‘better’. Apparently.

It’s been challenging to deal with these types of situations when I’ve been put in them. Because no matter how frequently you repeat to yourself ‘it’s a reflection of their character, not mine.’ And no matter how many times your best friends or your husband or whoever tells you ‘they don’t define you. Don’t let it bother you.’ It still hurts. It’s still hard to believe it sometimes. It’s still hard to continue to deal with the onslaught of negative interactions that just continue on a regular basis.

And, in an ironic twist. It becomes super challenging to offer grace (one of those ‘I want to be more like that’ kind of somethings) to those types of people. And super easy to become bitter and angry (one of those ‘I hope if I’m ever like that someone slaps me upside the head and tells me to quit it’ kind of somethings). It’s hard to remember that not everyone is like me. Not everyone analyzes everything they do. Not everyone is concerned with the type of message they’re sending to people. Not everyone truly cares about how they make people feel. Or at least not enough to stop and think about what they’re saying and doing and adapt and make changes in order to be better.

I used to think it was a curse. To constantly have those thoughts. And in some ways, maybe it is a little bit. But I’m growing to appreciate it. I’ve learned to hone it in a little more (this is always a work in progress). I’m learning how to use it to be brutally honest with myself. Because I’ve realized that constantly answering the question of ‘Am I being fair to this person?’ with a ‘yes’ without ACTUALLY thinking about it isn’t helpful to anyone. I’m learning how to take a step back from my life and look at it as objectively as possible. And I’ve discovered that sometimes, the answer to that question is ‘no’. And that I need to change that. I’m growing to appreciate the fact that the analyzing and reanalyzing gives me an opportunity to notice things that are wrong. Inherently wrong. Things that need to be corrected. Amends that need to be made. And bad habits that need to be more consciously thought about in order to break.

It forces me to think, more objectively, about what message I’m sending to people around me. And to correct it if it’s not the one that I want to be sending. It gives me a chance to make sure that the message that I’m sending is one of inclusion. Of validity. One that says: You matter. Your feelings are valid. Your concerns are important. I’m listening. I care. And I want to help. One that says: I’ve been there, I get it. Or I’ve never experienced that and I wish you didn’t have to either. But since you are, I’ll sit here in the dirt with you until you feel like getting up.

Because it’s all true. You are worthy of forgiveness. Without having to earn it. Spoiler alert: There’s only one person’s forgiveness that truly matters, and He doesn’t withhold it from you, no matter how badly you screwed up. You deserve apologies when someone says or does hurtful things to you. You won’t always get them. But you still deserve them. It’s never okay for anyone to trample over your feelings. And no one is better than you. Your concerns are important (no matter what they are). Your feelings are valid (no matter what they are). You do matter. It’s. All. True.

32 While 32!

Here it is! My 32 while 32 list. It took me a while to get to my 32 things. With the current state of things, I tried to stay away from things that may not actually be possible within the next year. So I had to strike off things like ‘go to a Vikings game’ or really anything that involved spectators or large crowds or anything like that. If things start going back to ‘normal’ I may still find myself doing them anyway, but they’ll just be bonuses. Or, they’ll go on next years’ list. Without further ado, here’s my list (along with some explanation on some of them, mostly for the benefit of my future self who might be asking ‘what did I MEAN by that?’):

1.      Read 12 books – at least 3 personal development.

Last year I found myself reading books just to get to my 12. A lot of them weren’t really well written, didn’t have much of a point but were ‘quick, easy reads’. This year I want to be more intentional about my reads and choose ones that either benefit my life, or can help me develop my writing skills. I’m sure some ‘easy reads’ will sneak their way in there, but I’m hoping if they do, they’re above and beyond my 12.

2.      Go to a Murder Mystery Dinner Theatre.

I’ve wanted to do this for SO LONG. It’s the one thing on my list that may not actually be able to happen if things don’t open back up. But I left it on there anyway. Here’s hoping it can happen!

3.      Regular posts to travel blog.

I’ve got a LOT of work to do on this. I have a lot of posts in the ‘queue’ that either need editing, that need wrapping up, or just need writing altogether. I’m hoping to get things cinched up and get the backlog of journals onto my Journeys and Journals page.

4.      Road trip with Steve & Indy.

Pretty open ended at this point. May have to just be a weekend getaway because right now we have no idea when he might be gone or be home. So, no big plans to be made.

5.      Go to 2 new state parks.

Last year, I thought ‘3 new parks’ was ambitious and we ended up doing like 14 or something like that. BUT with the road trip bit still up in the air, 14 would be SUPER ambitious. So we’re scaling it back to 2. I’ve got 2 in mind. Hoping that 2 is a gross understatement and we can go to WAY more, but time will tell.

6.      32 letters to 32 people.

This is my way of acting out on an idea that I had a few years ago. Of letting people know what I admire about them. What I think they’re great at. Why they inspire me. It’s always been my intention to do more of that, but it’s never really become a priority. I still do it on occasion, but I want to make it a more regular and intentional thing. So this year, I’m going to (attempt to) pick 32 people to reach out to and let them know why I admire them.

7.      Become STRONGER.

Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. All of the ways.

8.      Finish book #2 and send to 1^st reader.

Seriously. This one has been such a struggle. There’s a part of the book that I don’t like. Not in the ‘this needs to be rewritten’ way. But in the ‘these characters are being pains in the butt and I don’t like that the storyline has to do this, but it does’ kind of way. You know. The part of the book where things are just going wrong and you want the resolution to ‘hurry up and get here’. THAT kind of not like. And every time I get to it while writing/rereading/editing, I find other things to do instead of write/read/edit. So it’s been a struggle. But I’m DETERMINED to make it through this one this year so I can move on to the 15 other ideas I’ve put on the back burner in the meantime.

9.      Journal daily.

Sounds like a lot. But really, I have 2 journals I’m working through that have daily prompts. It usually take 5-10 minutes (sometimes longer) to do both of them. And even if that’s all I do, I’m counting that as ‘journaling’ for the day. I’m sure some days I will journal about other things, but if I do at least those 2 prompts, I’ll be happy.

10.   100+ miles on the bike.

It’s gonna happen this year. I’m sure of it.

11.   Finish travel journals.
This ties pretty closely to the regular posts to the travel blog. Once I get my own personal journals completed, I can start rewriting them in a way that I can share them with the world and hopefully inspire other people to get out there and live.

12.   Phone free weekend.

This one is both exciting and terrifying for me. I’m looking forward to it and dreading it. Clearly I’m addicted to my phone (NOT good), so I think it will be a challenge, but I think it will allow me time that is NEEDED to decompress and focus on things like writing. 

13.   Purge house.

A never ending process. I know that next year at this time when I’m seeing what I did and what I didn’t, this one will STILL read, ‘in progress’.

14.   Spend more time relaxing outside.

I’m pretty good at sitting in my house in my chair, even when the weather is nice out. But last year I spent some mornings sitting on my deck and menu planning. And I kind of enjoyed it once I got a rhythm and setup that worked. So there’s really no reason I can’t sit out there and write or read.

15.   Kayaking.

Not sure when or where or with who, but I want it to happen.

16.   Weekly bonding with Indy while Steve is gone.

Sometimes I think he gets neglected a little when his favorite human is gone. So I’m going to try to spend some time doing the activities he likes (like chasing the laser). Maybe that will make me the favorite. But probably not.  

17.   Get a massage.

I feel like my body could use it after the copious amounts of exercise I’ve put it through the past year.

18.   Do a Bible Study.

Looking for a self-study one. I do SO much better with ones I can do at my own pace instead of having an assigned reading. Let me know if you’ve got suggestions!

19.   Work on establishing routines.

Cleaning. Cooking. Writing. All of the things.  

20.   Enjoy. Moments.

I want to stop living at the pace of 800 miles an hour where my brain is constantly thinking of ‘what’s next’ and ‘what’s after that’ and just making sure I’m checking all of the boxes. I want to actually take time to enjoy the here and now.

21.   Learn to knit grandma’s slippers.

I found the pattern online! Now to find some yarn and give it a whirl.

22.   Tribute to grandma.

It’s been over a year since she’s passed and I’ve yet to write a tribute to her. I haven’t been able to find the words. But I want to. And I need to.

23.   Find myself again.

I’ve not felt like myself for the past few years in so many different ways. And for a lot of those years, I didn’t really want to find myself. I didn’t know where to even look. But now I want to get back there. More than ever.

24.   Be a better friend.

Again, I spend too much time living my life at 800 miles an hour. Even when I’m with my friends. I rarely feel like I’m with them because my brain and thoughts are elsewhere. I want to be present. I want to be invested in their lives. I want to be the friend they can go to. With anything.

25.   Do a dance or boxing workout program.

Or maybe both. We’ll see where the year leads.

26.   Take a ‘fun’ class on Udemy.

I surfed around on there a little bit. I think there’s definitely some that I could benefit from or that I would find interesting!

27.   Go on 3 lunch dates.

Not sure with who, but I want to go on 3 lunch dates with 3 people at some point throughout the year.

28.   Get highlights in my hair.

I’ve been on the fence about this one for a while, but heck. Why not!?

29.   Marvel movie marathon.

Steve and I had plans to watch ALL of the Marvel movies, in chronological order (the order that the movies actually happened, NOT their release date) before the last Avengers movie came out. But his career change made that fairly difficult. So, now we’ll just have to do it when we have time.

30.   Start documenting gratitude.

I want to start writing down the things that I notice that go ‘right’ throughout my days/weeks.

31.   Create an actual writing space – no more armchair authoring!

Armchair authoring leads to too many distractions. TV. Naps. Books (to read). Internet. I think a designated writing space would alleviate some of that and make me more productive and focused.  

32.   Go to a drive in movie.

I’ve always thought this sounded fun. And it’s pretty much the perfect solution to seeing a movie while social distancing. So, this might be the perfect year!  

31 While 31 - A plan to live life better THE RESULTS.

1.      Go to a Backstreet Boys concert.

CHECK. – So. Much. Fun. Will do again.

2.      Go to a Vikings game.

NOT THIS YEAR. – I thought this would be a fun thing to do as a father/children outing. Turns out my brothers would rather sit at home and watch from their couches than actually go to a game in person. So this is going BACK on the list for the future.

3.      Watch roller derby with Ashley.

NOT THIS YEAR. – Somehow we missed all of these. Hoping to be more aware of their schedule this year so we can go!

4.      Hike 3 new parks.

CHECK. – I believe the actual count was somewhere in the ballpark of 15 new parks that we hiked. I may have grossly underset this goal.

5.      Bike a Minnesota State Trail with Steve and/or Allison.

NOT THIS YEAR. – I think things got a little hectic for all parties on this one. Thing didn’t quite turn out as planned (in good ways and bad) so this one didn’t happen. Maybe another year!

6.      Have Allison teach me something new (paddleboarding, cross-country skiing, rock climbing, kickboxing).

CHECK. – She technically didn’t TEACH me how to do something BUT we did go to the Appleton OHV park which I didn’t know existed and rode around on the 4-wheeler and got muddy which is TOTALLY outside of my normal activities. I’ve never ridden a 4-wheeler AT an OHV park, so I’m counting it.

7.      Go on a road trip with Steve and Indy.

DOUBLE CHECK. – To the North Shore AND to North Carolina.

8.      Edit #1 of Book #2.

CHECK? – I feel like this one is a toss-up. I didn’t finish, but I made it a good chunk of the way through. And what was originally a half finished book with a ‘I have no idea where I want this to go’ actually has a bit more vision now. A plan. A story forming itself in my head. For the most part, the story is now written (in my head). I just have to get pen and paper and keep working out the kinks

9.      Go on a solo weekend.

CHECK? – I kind of just had a lot of solo weekends at home and didn’t really have to go anywhere. I need to be better about actually using them to take the mental breaks that I need that I hoped to get from a solo weekend.

10.   Take a cheap flight to anywhere with Allison.

NOT THIS YEAR. – Hopefully someday. J

11.   Repair relationships.

CHECK. – This is a big one. Truth be told, when I wrote this, there were 3 relationships I had in mind. I also miswrote this. It should say BEGIN to repair relationships. Because the 3 I had in mind, I knew there was no way they were going to be able to be repaired in a year. But I wanted to start. And I think I did that. They’re all still in very different stages of repair. But the ball is rolling. The one that I wasn’t expecting that came completely out of left field was my relationship with myself. I didn’t realize how much repair work needed to be done there before I could even start on the others. Just like the rest of them, it’s still a work in progress. But at least I know it’s IN PROGRESS.

12.   Learn to drive the lawn mower.

CHECK. – Don’t love it, but don’t hate it enough to want to pay someone else to mow my lawn. So it is what it is, I guess.

13.   Be more observant and intentional in my friendships.

WORK IN PROGRESS. – I feel like for a while I did better at this, and then for a while, not so much. I think it goes in spurts. So there’s definitely still progress to be made – I want it to be consistently on the incline.

14.   Do a ropes course.

NOT THIS YEAR. – Had an opportunity on vacation. Chickened out.

15.   Have a bonfire/yard party with friends.

CHECK. – It kind of turned into a house party, because weather, but I’m counting it.

16.   Do a lazy river (either an actual river, or at a waterpark).

NOT THIS YEAR. – Still on my to-do list eventually.

17.   Go to a Mystery Dinner Theater.

NOT THIS YEAR. – Also still on my to-do list.

18.   Find a dog park with Indy.

CHECK. – I didn’t realize that it would be in our own town. But we checked it out and have visited a few times so Indy can smell all the smells and play with the other puppies.

19.   Grow my table.

WORK IN PROGRESS. – There were definitely steps I made in this direction that were outside of my normal comfort zone in terms of inviting groups of people over. BUT there’s definitely still a lot of work to do. I need to come up with a better plan on how to implement this.  

20.   Read 12 books.

CHECK. – It was pretty ‘iffy’ for a while on whether or not I was going to make it, but I managed to squeeze them all in.

21.   Wine-tasting.

CHECK. – At the Biltmore Winery in North Carolina! We also did Moonshine tasting in Tennessee!

22.   Get donuts from the Clearwater Truck Stop.

CHECK. – A few times. Which is probably a few too many. It’s hard to pass up donuts the size of your face, though.

23.   Purge my house.

WORK IN PROGRESS. – And destined to forever be. I started. Then summer happened and I didn’t want to spend all my time in the house. Then Steve was home for longer than expected, so I didn’t want to waste my hours doing this while he was some so it took a back burner. What I learned, though, is that by the time you make it to the ‘end’ it’s time to start over again. So it will forever be a work in progress.

24.   Paint my bedroom.

CHECK. – Technically Steve did MOST of it. But it’s painted. And I love it.

25.   Create a travel list.

CHECK. – Not sure how I’m going to afford it all, but it’s a goal.

26.   Go to the horse races at Canterbury Park.

CHECK. – With my sister-in-law Michelle! I even took on driving in the cities to get there! It was well worth it and so much fun to watch the horses race! I even placed some bets on some.

27.   Say YES to more invitations.

CHECK. – As an introvert, sometimes I struggle to do the things. But once I do them, I’m always glad I did. So I’m trying to push myself to get over the hurdle of initially saying ‘yes’ so that I can take advantage of the things that I initially dread, but never regret.

28.   Put 100+ miles on the bike.

NOT THIS YEAR. – I actually thought this would be an easy accomplishment because I exceeded 100 miles the previous summer without really trying. But apparently I scaled back on the biking by quite a bit last summer.

29.   Kayaking!

NOT THIS YEAR. – Might need to look into actually buying a kayak before adding this back on the list.

30.   Learn how to make grandma’s slippers.

NOT THIS YEAR. – I looked for the pattern, which I’m certain she gave me a number of year ago, but couldn’t find it. Hopefully when I go back through that room to ‘purge’ I will find it so I can teach myself how to make them.

31.   Slow. Down. (Take time to enjoy the things around me instead of trying to rush through everything).

WORK IN PROGRESS. – This is SUCH a hard one for me. I’ve been trained to rush, rush, rush. Always be busy doing SOMETHING. And my mind, more than anything, is ALWAYS going. So it’s so hard for me to remember to slow down long enough to actually just enjoy what’s going on around me. Sometimes I do really well with it, sometimes I don’t. It’s always a push and pull.

So, the final tally:

15 ‘CHECKS’

6 ‘WORK IN PROGRESSES’

10 ‘NOT THIS YEARS’

Would I have loved to have 31 ‘CHECKS’? Absolutely. But the reality is that sometimes life throws us curveballs. Sometimes we get busy doing other things. Sometimes we forget that we have goals or that we’re ALLOWED to do fun things instead of JUST sticking to responsibilities.

What did I learn? I learned that while I’ve made leaps and bounds in the ‘independence’ arena over the past few years, I still have a long ways to go. There were a lot of things that didn’t happen because I didn’t have someone lined up to do them with. But the reality is that I COULD do them myself. I just have to step outside of my comfort zone and actually DO them myself. I also learned that when it comes to the total life changes – the things that require daily intentional actions – I need reminders. I need those things scribbled on a piece of paper I see every day. Because the reality is that sometimes I forget that I’m supposed to be doing them if I’m not reminded on the regular. I also learned that some of these things require a bit more planning instead of just being thrown on a list without any real direction.

I learned a lot from this and while I didn’t ‘complete’ all of the things on the list, I don’t necessarily feel like I failed. There’s a lot of things I DID do that I normally wouldn’t have. There’s a lot of steps I took outside of my comfort zone to cross those things off of my list and there’s a lot of other things that I learned along the way. There’s even some additional things that I took on that DIDN’T make the list, but probably should have if I had thought of them when I was making the list.

It’s fun to have ‘fun’ goals. Instead of just your regular old responsible adult goals. There will definitely be a 32 while 32 list coming – I’m just a little behind. J

31 while 31 - A plan to live life better

               So, while we were on our road trip, we went ziplining. And while we were ziplining, there was a woman in our group that had created (kind of) a bucket list. It was a “50 before 50” list. She was turning 50 and she had made a list of 50 things she wanted to do before turning 50. Ziplining was one of the items on her list. Also on the list? Skydiving. She was doing that the next day. And, let.me.tell.you. She wasn’t just doing these things to check the box. Like, she was LIVING every moment. She was taking it ALLLLL in. She wasn’t letting one minute of fun pass her by in her quest to do. things. Her fearlessness and desire to live life fully was contagious.

               It inspired me to encourage a friend of mine (who shall remain nameless) who was turning 50 to do the same. It was a little short notice to do 50 things BEFORE turning 50, so we altered it and did 50 WHILE 50. I don’t know that she ever came up with 50 things – despite my incessant nagging – but she DID start a list. And once my life settles down a bit, my goal is to help her knock them out.

               THEN, while I was mentioning all of this to my friend Ashley (who was soon turning 30), she, out of the blue, sent me her list of “30 while 30”. And then, I got slightly bummed that I hadn’t done it for my 30^th birthday and that with work’s crazy season right around the corner, I wouldn’t have much time to quick squeeze 30 things in. However, I WILL say that with my 30^th year being deemed my “summer of adventure” it WAS one of the most fun and fulfilling years of my life – even without a list.

               ANYWAY, while I was wallowing in self-pity that I missed a milestone birthday to do something like this, Ashley, ever the optimist and out-of-the-box thinker, suggested I just do 31 while 31. Genius!

               And then I got to thinking. How FULL would our lives be if EVERY YEAR we did something like this? 32 while 32. 33 while 33. 34 while 34. Why does it have to be JUST a milestone birthday thing? OR a ‘whoops I missed my milestone birthday’ thing? Think of all the adventures you could have. All the things you could learn about yourself. About your abilities. About your interest. About other people. And about what this world has to offer. The possibilities are endless. And with interests that expand and change as you get older, the list could end up drastically different.

               SO, what are the rules? (As completely made up by me).

1.      Must be things that are ATTAINABLE. We want to have the ability to actually finish the list, after all.

2.      I won’t say it has to be all things you’ve never done before, but I think it should be things that are out of the ordinary for what you’d normally do. One or two “responsible” things are okay if they will make your life fuller in some way.

3.      At least one thing that scares you.

That’s it. Those three rules. Everything else is completely open. You can do anything, anywhere, with anyone. Curious about my list? Keep scrolling.

Full disclosure: This list was MUCH more difficult to come up with than I anticipated it to be. I honestly thought that I would breeze right through it. The first 10, I did. After that, it got more challenging.

Also full disclosure: I’m pretty sure a good chunk of the reason it was difficult had everything to do with the fact that it is tax season and I’m exhausted and right now I don’t want to do anything except sleep. Perhaps I will have to start on next year’s list before tax season and just stash it away until my birthday rolls around.

So, without further ado, here it is. My list:

1.      Go to a Backstreet Boys concert.

2.      Go to a Vikings game.

3.      Watch roller derby with Ashley.

4.      Hike 3 new parks.

5.      Bike a Minnesota State Trail with Steve and/or Allison.

6.      Have Allison teach me something new (paddleboarding, cross-country skiing, rock climbing, kickboxing).

7.      Go on a road trip with Steve and Indy.

8.      Edit #1 of Book #2.

9.      Go on a solo weekend.

10.   Take a cheap flight to anywhere with Allison.

11.   Repair relationships.

12.   Learn to drive the lawn mower.

13.   Be more observant and intentional in my friendships.

14.   Do a ropes course.

15.   Have a bonfire/yard party with friends.

16.   Do a lazy river (either an actual river, or at a waterpark).

17.   Go to a Mystery Dinner Theater.

18.   Find a dog park with Indy.

19.   Grow my table.

20.   Read 12 books.

21.   Wine-tasting.

22.   Get donuts from the Clearwater Truck Stop.

23.   Purge my house.

24.   Paint my bedroom.

25.   Create a travel list.

26.   Go to the horse races at Canterbury Park.

27.   Say YES to more invitations.

28.   Put 100+ miles on the bike.

29.   Kayaking!

30.   Learn how to make grandma’s slippers.

31.   Slow. Down. (Take time to enjoy the things around me instead of trying to rush through everything).

Change

               Change is hard. Really. It is. It is, by far, my biggest fear (there’s that word again!) Some people are scared of snakes. Spiders. Heights. Me? None of those. But change. Change is terrifying to me. IT’s not really the small changes that bother me – the changes in how something is done, how something looks, how something operates. I’m talking the major life changes. The ones where you better be dang sure that you are committed to because once you make the leap, there’s no going back. You’re adapting on the fly.

               I imagine I’m not the only one who feels that way about change, though. I don’t know a lot of people who are ALWAYS willing to dive headlong into change without even considering the cost of what gets left behind.

               I have felt change brewing in my life for a while now. And, honestly, it’s been mentally exhausting to me trying to calculate the costs. The benefits. The whats, the whys, and the whens. It’s largely the reason for my word – movement.

               The word movement was assigned to me, by God, via a friend. I truly believe that. And with a word like that, you can only assume there’s going to be lots of changes involved. BIG changes. Which only leads to more antagonizing myself over what. And when.

               Trust (which also seems to be a recurring theme in my life lately) is also hard. And terrifying. And sometimes a bit confusing.

               In my original post about my word for the year, I mentioned that I thought I knew what it meant but that every time I tried to move, it became very clear that the movement I was making was wrong. And I had kind of assumed that meant I was going in the wrong direction altogether. And, honestly, it kind of bothered me. Because I felt like all of these signs were pointing me down the path that I was supposed to take and that I was thing being told that I was going the wrong way. But then when I turned around and went back, the signs still pointed to the path I had started out on. See? Confusing.

               And, I will (slightly shamefully) admit that I kind of feel like I’ve been on this continuous loop for months. See? Exhausting.

               But I think the key. The true key. Is that I was missing the trust factor. Because sometimes it’s hard to remember that God hand delivers us where we’re supposed to be. Hand. Delivers. He doesn’t just point us in the right direction and give us a shove and wish us the best of luck. He points us down a path and then He fine tunes that path. The path gets narrower. Because there are other paths that branch off. And it’s THOSE paths that he shuts down.  It’s THOSE paths that He says ‘Nope, you’re not turning here.” And a lack of trust generates fear. And fear, which is designed to keep us complacent makes us throw our hands up in the air and say “Well then I’ll just go back to the beginning and hang out there.” Because it’s the one place that you know that you’re safe. That you won’t get lost. Or eaten by a mountain lion. But then we realize that even staying where we’re ‘safe’ is wrong. So we had back up the trail. Again.

               It’s easy to get frustrated. And to forget that we’re STILL POINTED IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION. And that just like real-life hiking paths, there are branches off of it that are NOT right. For us. So we have to go back. But not all the way back to the beginning. Just back to where we made a wrong turn. So we can try a different path. One that will actually lead us to the destination God has had in mind for us the whole time.

               It can be hard to remember that God had the ability. The desire. The will. To see us ALL the way through. That He doesn’t just leave us to stumble our way through the woods, tripping over logs or getting lost. We just have to maintain trust – that He is hand delivering us exactly where we’re supposed to be. And that, sometimes, that means removing ALL other options. Even ones that look like they lead in the right direction. ESPECIALLY ones that look like they lead in the right direction. Because those are the ones we’re most likely to go down. And the ones we’re most likely to get lost on.

               Change is scary. Terrifying. Exhausting. It can challenge our trust. But maybe it’s meant to. The only way to build trust is to see things ALL the way through. And see that promises were kept. That our best interests were ALWAYS priority. And that all the directional signs and dropped bread crumbs WEREN’T misguiding us. But were keeping us pointed in the right direction. So we could make it to our TRUE destination. Our TRUE purpose. Instead of just ‘kind of in the general area.’

               Trust that you’re not lost. Just being hand delivered on a path you never would have chosen yourself because you couldn’t see the end. And where it leads. Trust enough to just. keep. moving.

All In

               So, we’ll start out with a little bit of honesty here. A little bit of information that you might not know about me. A little something that might make your head spin a little.

               When we left the military life 8 years ago, I didn’t really want it to end. Yep. That’s right. Don’t feel bad that you have this look on your face like you think I’m actually crazy. I’m used to it. No hard feelings here.

               “Why not, Kayla?” Was it because I thought the mind games and constant uncertainty was peaceful and calming? No. Did I think the fear of what might happen to my husband while he was in places where people were literally out to kill him was exhilarating? Also no. Did I enjoy being away from him for months and months with intermittent communication that was sketchy at best and an ideal way to maintain a relationship? Not exactly. Did I think the long, tear filled goodbyes were SO. MUCH. FUN. that I never wanted them to end? Definitely not.

               So, what was it? That made me want to stay where I was at? Doing all of those things? Honestly, if you’ve never lived it, it’s hard to explain. And when you HAVE lived it – it’s still easy to forget.

               The homecomings and the time together is where it’s at. The homecomings that you see online – you know the ones. Military dads surprising their kids by showing up at their schools unexpectedly. Husbands somehow surprising their wives. Or dogs going completely bazerk over their owner coming home from deployment. The videos that make your heart SO HAPPY and your eyes pretty much instantly well up into tears because of all the emotion? And that just from watching videos of complete strangers. Can you imagine LIVING it? I can. Because I have. And basically, all the emotion you feel from watching the strangers? Multiply that time about 1000 and you might end up somewhere close to what it feels like to live it. But you can’t, really. Because you can’t really know what that feels like unless you’ve lived it. It’s unfathomable. But it’s amazing. And something I would I could explain in a way that everyone could understand it. And feel it. That feeling, you never forget.

               But that’s not all. The time that follows. The time that’s spent together is where it’s at too. But this is the part that’s easy to forget. When your time is limited, you live life a little differently. A little harder. A little more intentionally. Those dishes over there? They can wait. Those bills that probably should have been paid last week? They can wait a little longer too. Because all that matters is that you’re TOGETHER. Everything else is unimportant. Everything else.

               I never wanted to forget that. But I knew that I would. And I did. Life gets mundane when you see each other every day. You come home from work. You vent (or rave) about your day to each other and then you go about your own separate tasks and interests. Because the dishes need to be done and the bills need to be paid. And then you go to sleep, wake up and do it all over again. And some days, you just REALLY wish you had AT LEAST a weekend AWAY from that person because, frankly, they’re getting on your nerves. Or they’re in a bad mood or you’re in a bad mood (not just me, right? RIGHT?!) And life goes on. And you’re living. But you’re not really living. Because responsibilities, work, kids, and just plain on boring routine fill your life. I’ve said it before and I’ll continue to say it. Because I believe it’s true. And because I’ve witnessed it in my own life.

               A lot of times (there are exceptions, of course), the couples/families who spend less time together physically usually spend more time together mentally and emotionally than the couples/families who see each other every day. Because the little time they have together, they are ALL IN. They are present in every way possible. They don’t get sidetracked. Or lost in their own thoughts or their routine. Because they don’t want to waste a second of what little time they have.

               Now that I’ve found myself in a similar position – with being away from my husband for extended periods of time – people ask me how I feel about it. And I’m never quite sure what to say. I feel like if I say “I’m kind of excited about it”, they’d look at me like I’d sprouted a second head (again, not really that unusual). But I’m not sure ‘excited’ is the word I’d use anyway. I’m nervous. I’m terrified. I’m a little unsure of my own strength in this. But I’m also excited. Because a lifestyle like this is a game changer in your life and your relationship. It’s a challenge. But it’s worth it.

MOVEMENT

               So, apparently there’s this “thing” where you choose a word that you want to define your year. Almost kind of a modern day “New Year’s Resolution. Except instead of very specific goals that (let’s be real) you’ll probably fail at, you just choose something that you want to progressively work on throughout the course of the next year. Some people are seriously all about this word choosing. Some people, it seems, are anti-word choosing. Me? I’m somewhere in the middle. If you want to, do it. If you don’t? Don’t.

               I inadvertently chose a word for myself last year (fearless). I didn’t even know this was a “thing” when I chose it. And I’m pretty sure I chose it like in April. I didn’t really have any intention of choosing a word for myself this year. Because in a lot of ways, I feel like my word is still “fearless” and it seems silly to pick the same word two years in a row (even though I didn’t really know I was picking it when I did). As I thought about it more, though, I realized that a word kind of chose me.

               A few months ago, my friend (who is DIALED IN) told me a few months ago that God gave her a word for my life. The word? Movement. She doesn’t know exactly what it means for my life and, frankly, neither do I. I thought I did. I thought I had it all figured out. And I was EXCITED about it. Like, REALLY excited. So I started moving in the direction I thought I was supposed to go. But then God seemed to close every door I tried to move through. So, ironically, I am spending the first part of my year of “movement” in waiting to see which way I am supposed to go.

               I have other option – options that can still fall in line with the signs that I THOUGHT I had been receiving. But they are both options that would be completely uncharacteristic of me. And, therefore, options that terrify me – proof that my journey to fearlessness is still a work in progress.

               I’m growing increasingly curious about where this “word” might take me. I have ideas. I have inklings. And I continue to think of new areas of my life that could have movement. There are so many ways in can be interpreted. And so many areas of my life that can (and already are) supporting movement right out of the gate this year. But if I learned anything last year, it’s that our plans and visions for our lives are sometimes not what God’s plan and vision for our lives are. And that He can take a “word” and transform it into different and MORE ways than what we had envisioned.

               So, despite the fact that I am dreaming about “movement” in my life and what I think that looks like, I’m not closing my mind to the belief that it could be something much different than what I’m dreaming. Something MORE than what I’m dreaming. In fact, there’s a feeling deep down that KNOWS that it WILL be. And there’s a little fear in that. I won’t deny it. But I know that once things start moving, it’s not likely that they will stop until they are moved exactly where they are supposed to be. So I’ve just got to hold on for the ride and see where this new year and new journey take me.