Soak It All In

If the Marine Corps has taught me anything, it’s to cherish the time that you have, and to enjoy it while you can. And while that worked in relation to my time spent with Steve (since that’s how I learned it) it seems I have had a little bit of trouble applying it to the rest of my life.

My time out here has flown by. And I feel like I have flown by the seat of my pants since I’ve been out here. Between moving from hotel to hotel for my first couple weeks, to cleaning the beach house and traveling all over to “see the sights”. I find myself wishing I had taken more time to just enjoying living on the beach and sit in silence and listen to the ocean.

Before I had a digital camera, I would go on walks and I can remember just taking in the beauty of God’s masterpiece. The corn stalks in perfect straight lines in the fields. The birds singing in the trees, the clouds in the sky. But ever since I have gotten a digital camera, it seems that I see everything through the lens of it and am never able to enjoy everything just for what it is. The time I’ve spent in North Carolina has been no different. Some days I wish I could just hire someone to follow me around with a video camera so I wouldn’t have to be torn between admiring God’s work and capturing memories.

“I hear the waves, sun beatin’ down on my shoulders. It’s a near perfect day, wishin’ I wouldn’t get any older. They say that it’s gone ‘fore you know it now. Quiet your mind…”

Today I have decided to quiet my mind. It’s 55 degrees, and I’m sitting outside on the deck—no music (except what’s in my head), no computer (writing this with pen and paper at the moment!), no TV. Just the sun, the waves, and me. And a book. A book about the history of this island I’ve been living on for the past 4 months. Unfortunately, I just couldn’t leave the camera in the house either. I haven’t used it yet, but I have it armed and ready. 

“…At the end of the water, a red sun is rising and the stars are all going away. And if you’re too busy talking, you’re not busy listening to hear what the land has to say…”

Today I have decided to hear what the land has to say to me. To hear it’s history. And to admire it and learn lessons from it, and just enjoy living in it, and observe others enjoying living in it. To listen to the waves crashing against the water—a sound that has become so familiar over the past 4 months, that I likely won’t hear again for months, or even years. To hear the seagulls flying overhead, and squawking. Which, although kind of annoying, are an integral part of beach noise. To hear dogs barking as they run along the beach while their owners take them on a walk.

“…I feel the change going on all around me. It’s strange how I’m taken and guided where I end up right where I’m needed to be…”

Today I am not going to stress about what I’m going do in the future, where I’m  going to end up, or where I’m going to work. It will happen how God wants it to happen, and I can’t change that. I’m not even going to worry about where I WANT to be. Right now, I am right where I want to be. Which is here. Taking in the sun, listening to the ocean waves crash, and that’s all that matters.

“…Soak it all in. It’s a game you can’t win. Enjoy the ride.”

Today I will just enjoy the ride.

"Firsts" Are So Much More Fun Than "Lasts"

We went on base for the last time today. I cried. The whole way home. The songs playing on the radio sure didn’t help any either. As much as music soothes my soul, sometimes it just makes things worse.

Going out the back gate for the very last time

The trees on base

The whole way home, I observed the “strange” sights to see on base, that have become so normal over the past few months. Strange to civilians who have never stepped foot on a military base anyway. The Marines walking around in full uniform, armed, almost as if they are actually in a warzone. Meeting us on the road are military vehicles of all shapes and sizes, some carrying explosives, all fully occupied by those armed Marines in full uniform. As we drove by all of these Marines, I couldn’t help but wonder how long they had been in, if they were going to remain in the Marine Corps for the rest of their working lives, if they had wives or children at home, if they had been to war, and what they had seen and experienced there. I thought of what my life would be like had Steve decided to stay in, how many more times he would have to go to the war zone, and what more he would have to witness and be a part of over there.

Many military wives don’t like the military life because of the dreaded “d” word. Not me. I surprisingly didn’t mind that aspect of it. Of course I wasn’t overjoyed when I found out Steve was deploying—especially since it kind of screwed up our wedding—but I coped surprisingly well with it all. Sure there were days that I struggled with it and wished that it was over, but those were the days that I learned the most about myself, my marriage, and my love for Steve. During the time that he was gone, there were many days that I also felt empowered. I felt as though that was one of the hardest things I had ever had to endure and that if I could survive it, I could survive anything. And when I did survive it, I knew that it was the most accomplishment I had ever experience. Yes, an even bigger accomplishment than getting my driver’s license, and graduating high school and college. I think that 7 month deployment made our relationship stronger than 10 years of being under the same roof ever would. And the sense of accomplishment I felt for dealing with the deployment as well as I did, and the pride I felt for Steve for all the things he did and the time he spent over there, are feelings and experiences that I will deeply miss for, likely, the rest of my life. So, in a sense, I will miss the deployments and the separations. My pride for him and what he’s done will always be there, and surviving the separation will probably always be my greatest accomplishment, but a Marine Wife is never more proud of her husband than when he actually actively fighting for her, and their country.

Despite the fact that it has been nice having Steve home with me and not having to wake up ridiculously early in the morning, and despite knowing that Minnesota is my “home”, I am still struggling to accept the fact that I will have to adjust to an entirely different lifestyle, leaving this one behind. And I will probably continue to struggle with it long after we return to Minnesota and get into a routine. So starts the beginning of a string of “lasts” the will bring lots of tears for me, but it will also be filled with lots of new “firsts” that will hopefully make up for the “lasts”.

Change of Age, Change of Appreciation

I think many people have read the saying about how the view of “mom” changes as the child gets older. But, I will post it on here anyway:

4 Years of Age: My Mommy can do anything!

8 Years of Age: My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!

12 Years of Age: My Mom doesn’t understand me.

15 Years of Age: My Mom doesn’t let me do anything.

18 Years of Age: I’m an adult. My Mom can’t control me anymore.

25 Years of Age: I should have listened to Mom.

35 Years of Age: Before we decide, let’s get Mom’s opinion.

50 Years of Age: I wonder what Mom would have thought about it.

65 Years of Age: I wish I could talk it over with Mom.

I don’t know how true this is for other people, but for me, it’s surprisingly not very true. I think I skipped over the whole middle stage. I don’t ever remember thinking my mom didn’t understand me when I was 12, thinking she didn’t let me do anything with I was 15, or feeling that liberation of being out on my own when I was 18. I haven’t quite reached the 25 or 35 age yet, but I usually get mom’s opinion before I decide something, and realize that it’s probably wise to listen to her. So, either this isn’t EXACTLY an accurate representation of the changes of opinion (although it’s still a cute little saying!) or I am one abnormal daughter.

Either way, I have found that my appreciation for my parents has only grown since I hit my “adult” phase. Ever since I left for college and was ‘on my own”, what my parents tell me has become truth. Whatever they say is obviously what is best. And I am finding that I rely more upon their advice as I get older. It’s amazing how many things you realize you don’t really know how to do, just because you always had mom and/or dad there to do it for you.

Slowly I am beginning to learn how to make those big decisions on my own, but I still find myself calling my parents with questions about anything and everything. Where would I be without them? What on Earth would I do if I didn’t have them to call and ask all these questions? I have a feeling it would not be a happy life for me. I’m so glad that I have them I just hope they know how much I appreciate all of the words of encouragement and advice that they have provided me with and continue to share with me. I am honestly completely dreading when I hit the 50 and 65 age in this saying and all of a sudden the words become past tense. How will I ever survive without them? What will I do when I need mom’s (or dad’s advice). Hopefully I will be able to learn enough from them now, that I won’t have to wonder what they would have thought, I will just know. Or I won’t have to wish I could talk it over because I will just know what it is that they would say.

It will be nice to be back in the same state as them, so rather than having to listen to my dad explain how to change the spark plugs over the phone, he will actually be able to show us how. And rather than having to explain to my mom what the chicken looks like so she can help me determine if it is fully cooked, she will be able to look at it and tell me.

It sure is nice to have parents who are always so willing to help out in any way they can, and offer their advice and opinions.

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If Home is Where the Heart is, Home is Minnesota

I think having my family out here helped me to feel better about moving back to Minnesota. They just left this morning and I already miss them and wish they could come back! As much as I like being in the warm weather of North Carolina, instead of the snow, cold Minnesota, I have decided that Minnesota is where I belong. That is where my family is, and where my friends are, so that is where I need to be.

With "Bob" who took us on a carriage ride in downtown Wilmington

I know that saying good-bye to my family would never get easier and that there is a lot that I would miss out on being out here. One of those things being able to see my first (if you don’t count the 3 through marriage) niece or nephew as a newborn and watch him/her grow up.

So, now I am finally looking forward to going home and being closer to those I love. I am beginning to be okay with leaving the military life behind and moving on to a more normal lifestyle. I still can’t promise that I won’t miss it, but I am at least beginning to adjust to the idea of it.

I’m so glad that this visit from my family came at just the right time to remind me just how much I love them and would miss them if we stayed out here. I’m glad that it opened my eyes to the life that I will be starting and how important it is to me, to be able to share it with those I love.

I am actually anxious to get back home and be able to “catch up” some more with my mom and dad, to see my sister-in-law’s growing belly, to be able to spend some time with my friends that kept me sane during the last deployment, and to see my grandparents and be able to attend all of the family get-togethers again. I can’t wait!

But, for now, I sent home all of my “I could be working on this” items home with my parents, and am going to attempt to just enjoy my last few days enjoying the warmer weather and the view of the beach with my husband, and try not to miss my family too much, knowing that I will be home with them in a few weeks!

EAS, But Not EAS

It’s 6am. I woke up an hour ago. I went to sleep 3 hours ago. My stomach is in knots, and despite being completely exhausted, with a BIG day staring me in the eyes, I don’t think I will be able to get back to sleep. So, at 5, I dragged my butt out of bed, grabbed my camera, and saw my husband off to his last day of the active duty Marine Corps. And yes, I took pictures like a mother seeing her youngest child off to his first day of school. I would be lying if I said there wasn’t at least a hint of tears in my eyes. 

He wasn't enthused...

I never imagined that I would feel this way about Steve getting out of the Marine Corps. Four years ago I was feeding him every reason I could think of about why he shouldn’t join at all. But now I find myself having a hard time letting it go. The impact that this whole experience has had on me is unexplainable. I have changed so much from who I was 4 years ago. It has also benefited our relationship like nothing else could. It has been quite the ride.

Not only has this experienced made me who I am today, and changed my relationship with my husband, but it has also impacted how I feel about all members of the military—in particular, the ones who are currently serving overseas. I am passionate about wanting to help them and support them, and make their time spent away from home less difficult. So, as I am slowly coming to terms with this big change, I have decided to search for programs and organizations that I can become a part of in order to keep active with the armed services. I am VERY excited to see what I can do and I think it’s making this transition a little easier on me.

So, although this is a very emotional day for me, I am going to try to make the most of the new journey I’m starting on. And although it may be the End of Active Service for us, it is nowhere near the End of Active Support.  

**I write my posts in Word first--hence the time difference from when I wrote it to when I actually posted it. 

Music is the Adhesive to My Sanity

Music soothes my soul. More specifically, Zac Brown Band, Tyler Hilton, and Everly, for those wondering. I guess I’ve always known that though. I don’t know what it is about it, but it just has a way of releasing pent up stress and emotions and clearing my mind in a way that it seems nothing else can.

I didn’t realize how grounded it kept me until just recently. When I was still in school, I got my fill of music between walking to class, driving back and forth to work, and running at the Y. But since I no longer have that routine, and rarely get to drive anywhere and blast the radio, I rarely listen to music.

As much as I would like to say that I am really excited for Steve to be done with the military so we can start a new chapter in life, I can’t honestly say that. The truth is, I’m terrified. I hate the thought of starting all over. I’m terrified of starting a new job, out of fear that I might not like it and once again have to face the exhausting task of “job searching”. I think this has sparked more stress and emotions than the day he called and said he would be leaving for boot camp in 2 weeks. So, this alone has caused me to come slightly unglued. And by slightly, I mean you better grab the glue gun and come running before I completely fall apart.

So, yesterday, feeling completely stressed out, and lacking motivation to do anything, I decided to shut the TV off, and crank up the music on my computer. And it was WONDERFUL. I was actually productive and stress-free for most of the day. When I had those moments of “stressful freak out”—you know, the ones where you can actually feel your blood pressure rising—I just turned the music up a little louder. I am thinking that “no TV,  crank the music” days will have to happen more often from now on.

“…let the world go on without me. Wouldn’t have it any other way, because I ain’t in no hurry today.”  -Zac Brown Band

When the Water Meets the Snow

Today it snowed in North Carolina. We actually got a pretty hefty amount too. Usually it is like 2 inches, but nope. Today we got like 7 inches. 

It was actually kind of fun, in a very familiar way. Now, let me tell you the GREAT thing about snow in North Carolina. They never rarely get snow. The fact that they never rarely get snow, means that when it does snow, EVERYONE freaks out, and EVERYTHING is shut down. So, last night, before it even started snowing, the base was two hours late just at the prospect that there might be snow. Luckily, my husband was told the night before so he was able to sleep in. We woke up in the morning, looked outside, NOTHING. Not even a flake of snow. We laughed about it, and sat down to eat breakfast, then looked outside again to find that it had snowed like an inch while we were eating breakfast. No pansies to snow and cold weather, Steve set off to work. Upon arriving, he found out that base had been closed for the entire day. Now I ask you, especially those of you from Minnesota or other northern states…when do people there EVER get a snow day from work? I’m not talking about calling in and saying “I’m snowed in at home I can’t make it”. I’m talking, your boss calls you, and says, “Don’t come in, we’re shutting down the whole office for the day”. For those in hospital settings—even the Naval Hospital was shut down, with the exception of the emergency room. My husband was pretty elated to have a snow day on his last week of work though! 

Now, let me tell you the BAD thing about snow in North Carolina. They never rarely get snow. The fact that they never rarely get snow, means that 1) Snowplows don’t exist here, 2) It is always right at the freezing mark so it melts on the ground, then refreezes to make it kind of icy, 3) Since snowplows don’t exist neither does salt to help melt the ice on the roads, and 4) It’s a little known fact, that people in North Carolina don’t know how to drive to begin with, so when you add even the shallowest amount of snow into the mix, it gets BAD.

Now that I’ve given you the low-down on what it’s like when it snows in North Carolina, I will tell you that Steve made it home safely and base is already opening 4 hours late tomorrow morning. So, he gets and extra 4 hours of sleep tomorrow. Remember, no snow plows, so there is likely still 7 inches of snow on the roads that is half melted and refrozen into ice. Fun.

Once he got back home, we decided to go outside with the initial plan of building a snowman. The snow wasn’t sticking together very well though, so we scrapped that idea and just went out to check it out. Me, still being very much a Minnesota Girl, went out in my tennis shoes, jeans, a spring/fall jacket, and a stocking cap, camera in (bare) hand. After all, it was still like 32 degrees outside—not THAT cold. I was outside for a good 10-15 minutes, when out trudges my husband, who has apparently turned into a North Carolina boy. He has his winter snow boots on, his winter coat, his stocking cap, a neck warmer, and winter gloves. He was still a ways away, and as he’s walking toward me, I think to myself, “Wow, really? I bet if he had snow pants he would be wearing them right now”. He finally gets right beside me, and what is the first thing he says? “I couldn’t find my snow pants”. And he wants to move back to Minnesota?! Whatever…

Anyway, we actually walked out on the snow-covered beach, which was kind of a cool thing to witness. We walked down to where the ocean was meeting the snow covered beach and watched it for a little while. I’m not sure how cold the water was, but I imagine it was relatively warm-ish because I noticed there were seagulls sitting in the water. We stood out there for a while and watched the water wash up on the beach and melt the snow away immediately on impact. It was quite the sight.

And oh how I wish that same water could just as easily wash away the worries that run through my mind.