"Firsts" Are So Much More Fun Than "Lasts"

We went on base for the last time today. I cried. The whole way home. The songs playing on the radio sure didn’t help any either. As much as music soothes my soul, sometimes it just makes things worse.

Going out the back gate for the very last time

The trees on base

The whole way home, I observed the “strange” sights to see on base, that have become so normal over the past few months. Strange to civilians who have never stepped foot on a military base anyway. The Marines walking around in full uniform, armed, almost as if they are actually in a warzone. Meeting us on the road are military vehicles of all shapes and sizes, some carrying explosives, all fully occupied by those armed Marines in full uniform. As we drove by all of these Marines, I couldn’t help but wonder how long they had been in, if they were going to remain in the Marine Corps for the rest of their working lives, if they had wives or children at home, if they had been to war, and what they had seen and experienced there. I thought of what my life would be like had Steve decided to stay in, how many more times he would have to go to the war zone, and what more he would have to witness and be a part of over there.

Many military wives don’t like the military life because of the dreaded “d” word. Not me. I surprisingly didn’t mind that aspect of it. Of course I wasn’t overjoyed when I found out Steve was deploying—especially since it kind of screwed up our wedding—but I coped surprisingly well with it all. Sure there were days that I struggled with it and wished that it was over, but those were the days that I learned the most about myself, my marriage, and my love for Steve. During the time that he was gone, there were many days that I also felt empowered. I felt as though that was one of the hardest things I had ever had to endure and that if I could survive it, I could survive anything. And when I did survive it, I knew that it was the most accomplishment I had ever experience. Yes, an even bigger accomplishment than getting my driver’s license, and graduating high school and college. I think that 7 month deployment made our relationship stronger than 10 years of being under the same roof ever would. And the sense of accomplishment I felt for dealing with the deployment as well as I did, and the pride I felt for Steve for all the things he did and the time he spent over there, are feelings and experiences that I will deeply miss for, likely, the rest of my life. So, in a sense, I will miss the deployments and the separations. My pride for him and what he’s done will always be there, and surviving the separation will probably always be my greatest accomplishment, but a Marine Wife is never more proud of her husband than when he actually actively fighting for her, and their country.

Despite the fact that it has been nice having Steve home with me and not having to wake up ridiculously early in the morning, and despite knowing that Minnesota is my “home”, I am still struggling to accept the fact that I will have to adjust to an entirely different lifestyle, leaving this one behind. And I will probably continue to struggle with it long after we return to Minnesota and get into a routine. So starts the beginning of a string of “lasts” the will bring lots of tears for me, but it will also be filled with lots of new “firsts” that will hopefully make up for the “lasts”.