Face of War Friday

Okay, so it’s not Friday anymore, but this happened on Friday so I’m counting it as close enough.

On Friday, Steve and I went to the tech school and took a tour and completed some paperwork so we can get him enrolled for the fall semester. I think this was my first “shock” of being back in civilian life. We showed up to a room filled with 15 high school students and their parents. I had gotten so used to everything being Marines and their wives/fiancés/girlfriends, without ever seeing or hearing about their parents—although I know they were out there somewhere being supportive from a distance! I quickly found out, that I was the only wife there with a future college student, even though he didn’t look all that much older than the others there.

Steve also had to complete a Physical Fitness Evaluation to ensure that he was “fit” enough to be in the Law Enforcement Program. It was here, while sitting with the parents, watching the complete their physical evaluations that I noticed a difference. I realized that there was something different about him. Something different about his face. It is a Face of War. It is eyes that have seen far away lands, and both the good, and bad, things that are happening there. It is ears that have heard gunshots being fired at him, as well as the gunshots of his buddies who are helping to defend him. It is lips that have been coated in dust from the desert sands and the strong winds. It is skin that has been exposed to the sun and the heat. It is hair that has been covered up by a helmet that can save a life. All of these things together make up a face. A face that has seen things that many people, including myself, can’t even imagine. It is a face that has seen far more than the face of an average 21-year old. And a face that made him look different, to me anyway, than the other 15 future students.

I also soon found out that he not only had a Face of War, but also had a Body of War. I was nervous for him before he took the evaluation and he wasn’t nervous at all (go figure!). He read over the requirements to passed and laughed a little while he read them. I didn’t think they sounded that easy, but he seemed to think that they were! Although the Marine Corps has really taken a toll on his body with a knee and shoulder that seem to constantly cause problems and a hip that sometimes does—all a result of war injuries, he passed the physical evaluation with flying colors. Most of the other students passed as well, but it was easy to see that their bodies had not been conditioned for war like Steve’s had. Many of them started off running fast at the beginning or doing sit-ups or push-ups as quickly as possible, but slowed down quite a bit—and sometimes even stopped—once the end had approached. Steve maintained a steady pace throughout all of the activities—sometimes not starting off quite as fast as the others, but always finishing stronger than all of them. He was smart enough to pace himself—something I’m sure he learned very quickly after enduring long PT runs in boot camp, and something that came in very useful in a warzone when traveling over rough terrain. After completing the different areas of the fitness test, many of the others were red-faced, and huffing and puffing as if they had just completed a marathon, but Steve finished and looked as though he was a little bored. For his body had been conditioned for war. He was used to carrying “dummies” that had 80 pounds of gear on top of their actual weight. He was used to running with 80 or more pounds of gear on his body while carrying a gun. His body is a Body of War. Conditioned for it. Trained for it. But at the same time, weakened by it.

I am so proud of him for all that he has done and all of the difficult things he has had to face that have given him that Face of War. The things that have made him who he is today. I am so proud if him for doing as well as he did in the fitness evaluation—even though it is one of the easier things he’s had to accomplish. He will always be a Face of War. It’s what makes him who he is. It’s what makes me love him more and more every day.

5 Years

I never imagined that I would be married at the age of 21. Actually, I never imagined that I would be married at all. I think I was the first one in my grade (except for those that got unexpectedly pregnant, or were part of what could be considered a modern day arranged marriage). Weird. I also never expected to experience all of the things that I have experienced in my lifetime at such a young age. But I’m glad that I have.

With my 5 year high school reunion coming up (I know, big deal—5 years), I have been thinking about my high school classmates and what they have been doing with their lives and where they are at—if they are married or engaged, or if they have kids. If they have found their dream job, and where they “ended up” and whether they are happy with where their lives are at. At the same time, I have been thinking about my own life, and whether I am satisfied with where my life is at right now and this is what I have decided.

Although it would be nice if I had a job right now, I am satisfied with where I am at. I am lucky enough to have experienced the things that I have experienced (I also never imagined myself living in a different state) with full support and encouragement from friends and family. I am lucky enough that I have parents who are willing to do a little more work and endure a “different” lifestyle than before so that my husband and I have somewhere to stay while we attempt to start life over in a different part of the country.

I have amazing friends (that I NEED to go visit soon) that always understood the things that I was going through. I always hear so many stories about friends “breaking up” while the boyfriend/husband of one is deployed because they just don’t understand each other. Luckily, my friends were never like that and were bigger advocates of keeping me busy so time went by faster than I was. And for that I am very thankful!

I am very thankful that I have graduated college, with not one, but two degrees. Although I still find myself wishing I could go back to school and take some more classes. I’m sure I will some day—maybe after all my loans from this time around are paid off!

I am also lucky enough to have a husband who puts up with me. I’m sure sometimes I drive him absolutely nuts but he still puts up with me. I’m so impressed with how good of a team we make and how well we work together to get things done—especially with all of the current “rearranging” going on with moving back. I’m so glad that he’s always willing to help me with whatever I need and that he doesn’t complain too much when I ask him to do something for me.

There are a few other aspects of my life that could use some repairing, but I am working on that now that I have a little extra time. Sometimes I am so blinded by all of the good things going on around me that I forget who blessed me with these things, and I forget the areas of my life that could use some assistance. My next goal is to work on these things so that maybe by the time the 5 year reunion rolls around I will have everything back on track and will be able to say that everything in my life is exactly as I want it to be.

Best of Intentions

Okay, so I have been exceptionally bad about blogging lately—I have had the best intentions, but before I know it, it’s 1 am and I’m ready for bed.

A couple days ago, we made it back to cold, snowy Minnesota. We were greeted by -20 degree temperatures. Yippee. Thus started the moving in and rearranging of the old stuff in order to fit the new stuff. Which still isn’t done, by the way. However, the first thing I did, after carrying in the bare necessities (we arrived late and left the car to unpack for the next day) was to dump some of the sand that I had collected from right outside our door in North Carolina, into the jar that we got in Wilmington (also in North Carolina) and put it on the shelf right next to my side of the bed. So, every morning I wake up to a little piece of a place that still holds quite a bit of my heart.

I am also back to the “to do list” lifestyle. It was so nice being away from having to do anything outside of things like “collect shells on the beach”, and “make something for supper”. Now all of a sudden, having been back for 5 days, I have a “to do” list a mile long. I guess that’s life though!

Today I discovered that I have the best of intentions to do a lot of things. I always have, but it seems that a lot of those things never actually got carried out. So, I am going to try to start working toward achieving some of my intentions—especially since I have quite a bit of free time on my hands for the time being! I am finding that some of my “best intentions” from my past, have found their way into my present, which I take to mean that I am never going to be truly satisfied until I actually make a whole-hearted attempt at accomplishing them. This, of course, doesn’t seem to be helping the whole “mile long to-do list thing”.

So starts my new attitude toward my intentions of doing things. I am really, honestly going to try my hardest to accomplish some of my long awaited goals and desires to do certain activities. I suppose you could consider it the start of my “bucket list”. Wish me luck on being able to maintain my ambition!

Soak It All In

If the Marine Corps has taught me anything, it’s to cherish the time that you have, and to enjoy it while you can. And while that worked in relation to my time spent with Steve (since that’s how I learned it) it seems I have had a little bit of trouble applying it to the rest of my life.

My time out here has flown by. And I feel like I have flown by the seat of my pants since I’ve been out here. Between moving from hotel to hotel for my first couple weeks, to cleaning the beach house and traveling all over to “see the sights”. I find myself wishing I had taken more time to just enjoying living on the beach and sit in silence and listen to the ocean.

Before I had a digital camera, I would go on walks and I can remember just taking in the beauty of God’s masterpiece. The corn stalks in perfect straight lines in the fields. The birds singing in the trees, the clouds in the sky. But ever since I have gotten a digital camera, it seems that I see everything through the lens of it and am never able to enjoy everything just for what it is. The time I’ve spent in North Carolina has been no different. Some days I wish I could just hire someone to follow me around with a video camera so I wouldn’t have to be torn between admiring God’s work and capturing memories.

“I hear the waves, sun beatin’ down on my shoulders. It’s a near perfect day, wishin’ I wouldn’t get any older. They say that it’s gone ‘fore you know it now. Quiet your mind…”

Today I have decided to quiet my mind. It’s 55 degrees, and I’m sitting outside on the deck—no music (except what’s in my head), no computer (writing this with pen and paper at the moment!), no TV. Just the sun, the waves, and me. And a book. A book about the history of this island I’ve been living on for the past 4 months. Unfortunately, I just couldn’t leave the camera in the house either. I haven’t used it yet, but I have it armed and ready. 

“…At the end of the water, a red sun is rising and the stars are all going away. And if you’re too busy talking, you’re not busy listening to hear what the land has to say…”

Today I have decided to hear what the land has to say to me. To hear it’s history. And to admire it and learn lessons from it, and just enjoy living in it, and observe others enjoying living in it. To listen to the waves crashing against the water—a sound that has become so familiar over the past 4 months, that I likely won’t hear again for months, or even years. To hear the seagulls flying overhead, and squawking. Which, although kind of annoying, are an integral part of beach noise. To hear dogs barking as they run along the beach while their owners take them on a walk.

“…I feel the change going on all around me. It’s strange how I’m taken and guided where I end up right where I’m needed to be…”

Today I am not going to stress about what I’m going do in the future, where I’m  going to end up, or where I’m going to work. It will happen how God wants it to happen, and I can’t change that. I’m not even going to worry about where I WANT to be. Right now, I am right where I want to be. Which is here. Taking in the sun, listening to the ocean waves crash, and that’s all that matters.

“…Soak it all in. It’s a game you can’t win. Enjoy the ride.”

Today I will just enjoy the ride.

"Firsts" Are So Much More Fun Than "Lasts"

We went on base for the last time today. I cried. The whole way home. The songs playing on the radio sure didn’t help any either. As much as music soothes my soul, sometimes it just makes things worse.

Going out the back gate for the very last time

The trees on base

The whole way home, I observed the “strange” sights to see on base, that have become so normal over the past few months. Strange to civilians who have never stepped foot on a military base anyway. The Marines walking around in full uniform, armed, almost as if they are actually in a warzone. Meeting us on the road are military vehicles of all shapes and sizes, some carrying explosives, all fully occupied by those armed Marines in full uniform. As we drove by all of these Marines, I couldn’t help but wonder how long they had been in, if they were going to remain in the Marine Corps for the rest of their working lives, if they had wives or children at home, if they had been to war, and what they had seen and experienced there. I thought of what my life would be like had Steve decided to stay in, how many more times he would have to go to the war zone, and what more he would have to witness and be a part of over there.

Many military wives don’t like the military life because of the dreaded “d” word. Not me. I surprisingly didn’t mind that aspect of it. Of course I wasn’t overjoyed when I found out Steve was deploying—especially since it kind of screwed up our wedding—but I coped surprisingly well with it all. Sure there were days that I struggled with it and wished that it was over, but those were the days that I learned the most about myself, my marriage, and my love for Steve. During the time that he was gone, there were many days that I also felt empowered. I felt as though that was one of the hardest things I had ever had to endure and that if I could survive it, I could survive anything. And when I did survive it, I knew that it was the most accomplishment I had ever experience. Yes, an even bigger accomplishment than getting my driver’s license, and graduating high school and college. I think that 7 month deployment made our relationship stronger than 10 years of being under the same roof ever would. And the sense of accomplishment I felt for dealing with the deployment as well as I did, and the pride I felt for Steve for all the things he did and the time he spent over there, are feelings and experiences that I will deeply miss for, likely, the rest of my life. So, in a sense, I will miss the deployments and the separations. My pride for him and what he’s done will always be there, and surviving the separation will probably always be my greatest accomplishment, but a Marine Wife is never more proud of her husband than when he actually actively fighting for her, and their country.

Despite the fact that it has been nice having Steve home with me and not having to wake up ridiculously early in the morning, and despite knowing that Minnesota is my “home”, I am still struggling to accept the fact that I will have to adjust to an entirely different lifestyle, leaving this one behind. And I will probably continue to struggle with it long after we return to Minnesota and get into a routine. So starts the beginning of a string of “lasts” the will bring lots of tears for me, but it will also be filled with lots of new “firsts” that will hopefully make up for the “lasts”.

Change of Age, Change of Appreciation

I think many people have read the saying about how the view of “mom” changes as the child gets older. But, I will post it on here anyway:

4 Years of Age: My Mommy can do anything!

8 Years of Age: My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!

12 Years of Age: My Mom doesn’t understand me.

15 Years of Age: My Mom doesn’t let me do anything.

18 Years of Age: I’m an adult. My Mom can’t control me anymore.

25 Years of Age: I should have listened to Mom.

35 Years of Age: Before we decide, let’s get Mom’s opinion.

50 Years of Age: I wonder what Mom would have thought about it.

65 Years of Age: I wish I could talk it over with Mom.

I don’t know how true this is for other people, but for me, it’s surprisingly not very true. I think I skipped over the whole middle stage. I don’t ever remember thinking my mom didn’t understand me when I was 12, thinking she didn’t let me do anything with I was 15, or feeling that liberation of being out on my own when I was 18. I haven’t quite reached the 25 or 35 age yet, but I usually get mom’s opinion before I decide something, and realize that it’s probably wise to listen to her. So, either this isn’t EXACTLY an accurate representation of the changes of opinion (although it’s still a cute little saying!) or I am one abnormal daughter.

Either way, I have found that my appreciation for my parents has only grown since I hit my “adult” phase. Ever since I left for college and was ‘on my own”, what my parents tell me has become truth. Whatever they say is obviously what is best. And I am finding that I rely more upon their advice as I get older. It’s amazing how many things you realize you don’t really know how to do, just because you always had mom and/or dad there to do it for you.

Slowly I am beginning to learn how to make those big decisions on my own, but I still find myself calling my parents with questions about anything and everything. Where would I be without them? What on Earth would I do if I didn’t have them to call and ask all these questions? I have a feeling it would not be a happy life for me. I’m so glad that I have them I just hope they know how much I appreciate all of the words of encouragement and advice that they have provided me with and continue to share with me. I am honestly completely dreading when I hit the 50 and 65 age in this saying and all of a sudden the words become past tense. How will I ever survive without them? What will I do when I need mom’s (or dad’s advice). Hopefully I will be able to learn enough from them now, that I won’t have to wonder what they would have thought, I will just know. Or I won’t have to wish I could talk it over because I will just know what it is that they would say.

It will be nice to be back in the same state as them, so rather than having to listen to my dad explain how to change the spark plugs over the phone, he will actually be able to show us how. And rather than having to explain to my mom what the chicken looks like so she can help me determine if it is fully cooked, she will be able to look at it and tell me.

It sure is nice to have parents who are always so willing to help out in any way they can, and offer their advice and opinions.

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If Home is Where the Heart is, Home is Minnesota

I think having my family out here helped me to feel better about moving back to Minnesota. They just left this morning and I already miss them and wish they could come back! As much as I like being in the warm weather of North Carolina, instead of the snow, cold Minnesota, I have decided that Minnesota is where I belong. That is where my family is, and where my friends are, so that is where I need to be.

With "Bob" who took us on a carriage ride in downtown Wilmington

I know that saying good-bye to my family would never get easier and that there is a lot that I would miss out on being out here. One of those things being able to see my first (if you don’t count the 3 through marriage) niece or nephew as a newborn and watch him/her grow up.

So, now I am finally looking forward to going home and being closer to those I love. I am beginning to be okay with leaving the military life behind and moving on to a more normal lifestyle. I still can’t promise that I won’t miss it, but I am at least beginning to adjust to the idea of it.

I’m so glad that this visit from my family came at just the right time to remind me just how much I love them and would miss them if we stayed out here. I’m glad that it opened my eyes to the life that I will be starting and how important it is to me, to be able to share it with those I love.

I am actually anxious to get back home and be able to “catch up” some more with my mom and dad, to see my sister-in-law’s growing belly, to be able to spend some time with my friends that kept me sane during the last deployment, and to see my grandparents and be able to attend all of the family get-togethers again. I can’t wait!

But, for now, I sent home all of my “I could be working on this” items home with my parents, and am going to attempt to just enjoy my last few days enjoying the warmer weather and the view of the beach with my husband, and try not to miss my family too much, knowing that I will be home with them in a few weeks!